Yes, I know, I've been quiet here. Since I can't do anything about the other problem(s), I decided to focus on learning html coding and how to create a website. No, I don't have one (yet). I'm probably one of the few who hasn't put up some kind of webpage. But, hopefully, that will change soon!
Just a few years ago I went from Windows 3.11 (yes!!!!!!) to WinXP. Steep learning curve! But, I've learned XP, so I should be able to learn coding. Right??? I hope!
House of Cards
Remember the story line on "The Brady Bunch" when the kids had a boy-girl contest to build a house of cards? (I think it was to decide which kids would get to "spend" the green stamps they'd collected before, and were set to expire soon.) Those kids held their breath, wrapped loose fabric of their clothes tight to their body, and did everything possible to NOT have their "house" fall down.
Do you remember the first time you built a house of cards? A house of cards starts with two and is multipled upward and outward, as long as no one breathes too hard, no hand shakes too much, no untoward event happens!
Unfortunately, home health care services in my State are like a house of cards. One sigh, one wrong move, and even the breath of others can knock the whole house down in one second. The disabled in my State are subject to the silliest rules. The rule for the Home Care program is: you can have home help but only if you have your own "back-up" for care, and even though you are eligible for help, the company does not have to provide service OR make sure they have back-up for their employee! However, many patients have no family, and few friends who want to be available to be back-up. If you have no personal back-up, you cannot qualify for the service! Isn't that a nice catch 22?! Sick; need help; no family/friends; you would be eliminated for service! Good logic, huh?
Well I had a helper and we worked well together. But, something (I'm not given the details) happened (but not here and not with me), and I get a call from the company that the employee will NOT be here anymore! I got a 1-hour notice! No personal back-up can re-arrange their life to get to me in an hour. Plus, it is August; most families go on vacation. So I complain (loudly). After only 24 hours, the company says they "cannot find anyone!" and tell me I am being terminated from services too! For what? I didn't do anything wrong!
So in the blink of an eye, I lost my best helper. She'd been here 2 years and missed only 1 day. She never took a vacation. She never was late. She had a good heart and helped me as much as she could. But, now I've lost her because of the stupidity of an agency!
Maybe my previous "funk" was some more of my ESP? (I wish I didn't "pick up" vibes.) There was no warning, just my funk.
Obviously, I'm stressed out and upset. And... just tired of the stupidity...
Ever in a funk? Times you just sigh pitifully, for no apparent reason? I'm in one of those pitiful sighing funks. Don't even know why. Nothing major has gone wrong. Everything is pretty much status quo. Well, maybe that is the "problem" because status quo is never terrific here. But, I mean nothing bad that is NEW or major has happened recently. I have been lurking on the edge of being ill (again) with another ear infection; been keeping it at bay so far. Maybe that is enough to be in a funk.
I did have some progress. I finally got a webpage maker program! Yay! Of course, now I have to learn the programs! Then I have to find some creativity!! But, right now, my mind is as blank as the total white space of a new document. A little white space is good, it allows room to think and dream. But 100% white space is not good!
I wish it was easier for me to learn computer stuff. I don't learn well from reading manuals. It's better when I'm shown "how to" do things. But I am my only teacher right now. I'm chuckling... a teacher who knows nothing is doing the teaching!
Today's Newsweek Magazine contains an article about Spirituality in the USA. Their survey shows over 70% of Americans are praying. And, while folks say they are not "religious," they say they are "spiritual" -- BUT the majority enjoy, seek and want "traditional" church services in their denomination of choice (pretty "religious" under my definition!). They find solace in the "old words" (worlds??) used by religions and want the "structure" found in church services.
After high school and nursing school, my life path moved away from many of the people who had been my friends. With some, separation came after I had my daughter (and "responsibilities"). I lost contact with others when I moved to an adjoining State and rarely got back home. And, after (mumbling) 18 years, I suddenly wanted to "re-connect" with those folks. Is this a common thing, wanting contact with buddies from high school and college days? It must be.
Some people were very hard to locate. I looked for Jackie for over a year. We both had babies when I last saw her. I never wrote down her married name (who would think I might forget her name! Not me.) It was exciting when I found her! She was my first real "best friend." I think the most important thing Jackie gave to me was acceptance. And she came into my life at a time when I needed that the most. And her humor. I badly needed her humor in 9th grade. Before 10th grade, my mom had died. Then I lost contact with Jackie when I changed schools.
Another hard-to-find person was a teacher in grade school who I'll call Miss Lynn here. I'd actually looked for her during high school, but she had moved. This past year, I finally found her (it was SO easy this search!). Miss Lynn had "valued me," and I had so needed that! She was the first person to tell me I was a good writer, too. Writing was something I would end up burying for a number of years. Only after others complimented me did I remember that Miss Lynn had been the first person to tell me that I was a gifted writer.
Jenny was a high school friend, then a nursing school friend. As she said the other day, we always seem to re-find each other. I always admired Jenny. She had a wisdom I felt I lacked and could express thoughts so clearly. She was always honest and direct in a non-hurtful way. And there was a stability about her, regardless of what was going on around her. We both had young children but she seemed much more comfortable in the mothering role than I did. We both went into home care nursing, but Jenny ended up doing much more with her nursing career; I got injured. About a year ago, Jenny had a pretty bad stroke and now cannot resume nursing. Our lives, so different, parellell each other's in so many ways.
There were also guys I had dated who I wanted to contact. Chip had been one of my first dates. He was a DJ at the local radio station. I'd actually re-contacted him maybe 10 years ago, but that day was the day he was bringing his wife and baby daughter home from the hospital ! Who would have thought he'd get married! A few months ago, we got in touch again. He'd had 3 children, been divorced... This past week, he called to say his ex-wife had been killed in a freak accident! And now, he is a full-time Dad.
Dave was my first love. Now I don't know what I ever saw in him! He, too, got married and is happy with his life. I don't know what his wife sees in him either!
I have looked for other people I used to know, but I haven't been successful in finding them yet. A few I found had died (that's sad). One I never contacted; I knew Rich in nursing school, a jolly fellow. He had married and although I had thought about him, I didn't want to intrude. Then, I spotted his obituary online. I wish now I had contacted him just once.
I wonder.... are there other people who have thought of me? Thought of me to the point of looking for me? I wonder if I did something for someone too, like I feel about the people I've re-contacted? If so, I hope they find me.
I imagine visiting the Grand Canyon for a hiking trip would be overwhelming, especially if there were no Guides, no posted signs, and no maps. Luckily, those things are provided to protect visitors and to guarantee the maximum amount of enjoyment of the arduous trek. (As well, to increase your chances of coming back alive!)
Hikers in other parts of the USA set out on their own. Some choose forrested areas, others choose desert sands and blaring sun. If smart, they pack what they need to survive the hike as well as make it back on their own. Maybe it is a familiar haunt, or they've acquired the knowledge and skill needed to navigate their way successfully.
Unfortunately, casaulties and even death occur on both Guided trips and ones undertaken with a sense of individual competency. No trip is void of potential injury. And, it's just as likely to fall and sprain an ankle, or fall and be fatally injured. There are a thousand-and-one dangers. This is why having a Guide, someone more experienced, is helpful to accompany you on these adventures.
Life is much the same as a trip into unknown (not-yet experienced) areas. Often, there is no map, not even of the main routes and waterways. While you can see sections of the path, the stretch of sand to the horizon, the foot path before the next craggy boulder, what is to come next is often hidden. Sometimes it is exciting to explore the path; other times, it's quite frightening, or at least unsettling. How much easier it would be if you could not only see the entire "path" but also the entire "course." Or, be with someone who has seen them.
We raise our kids without an idea of what the entire course looks like. We work in jobs with no fore-knowledge of how our contribution will affect the company in 20-30 years (if we're lucky to have the same job that long). We pursue our dreams in much the same way, only imagining what the end result will "look like," and what our lives will become, "then."
Do you ever stop in a day and consider where you are going, and think aout the things you are doing along the way? Do you find yourself wandering, starting off on one path, but taking side paths you think will either be interesting, or think might be a short-cut out of the forrest? Or, do you never venture off the hardened trod-upon path you believe everyone else has taken before you arrived? Is there someone you watch, observe, then "follow," whether it concerns raising your family, doing your job, getting promoted, or other activity you are doing?
Unfortunately, there are not always mentors to turn to when we are stumbling along on our life trips. Yet, most mentors have the ability to assist because they have seen not only paths, but the overall "course" at least once. They've taken the trip themselves, often without a Guide of their own, and they've found their way to places we only dream about today. So, why aren't there more Mentor-Guides? Where are those folks who can share their knowledge, expertise, wisdom? Sometimes, we need to identify ourselves as Mentors, and be willing to step out of hiding so that we can help fellow travelers.
What knowledge, expertise or skills do you have? Who can you assist today on their trek through unknown terrain?
How is it that anyone can block out/ blank out 27 years of memories and remember only ONE year? How is that possible? I guess with kids, anything is possible. I have to admit, I did the same with my own mother, except I focused on 3 years as negative.
In my situation, I was a pre-teen, my mother was dying and I didn't much like that fact. In addition, there was another very bad thing going on in the same time frame. Nope, I hated that time of my life. I blamed my mom for a lot of it. And I blamed her for a good 9-10 years! I even blamed her for dying, as though she could have not done that! But, I changed. When my own daughter started walking, and the first times I was overwhelmed by motherhood, I realized how much I missed my own mother. And, I started to realize: my "mother" had been a PERSON, a WOMAN, not just a "mother." I started to judge her less harshly for what I had believed were her flaws and sins, and I began to see how much she had struggled, failed, tried again/tried harder, and I started to understand the possible reasons for a lot of the things she did and said. I still didn't AGREE with some of how I thought she thought...and her ways of dealing with things... BUT, I could see reasons for WHY she was like she was...
But, no, not MY kid. She's 28 years of pent-up rage at me. She is 28 years of resentment. Our especially bad one year together was as bad as my several bad years with my mom. Emotionally, there is no scale to use to weigh the emotional wounds one carries. I realize that. I realized that when my daughter was a child. I even knew at the time that my "sins" as a parent would be held against me: it's what kids do. When she was a teen, I told her I'd always be available to discuss anything, and I meant it. But, instead, my kid would rather hate me.
There's something to be said about parenthood. Becoming a parent yourself humanizes the parents you grew up with. It doesn't erase the parents' mistakes, but it sure does soften the anger and resentment when you can see a parent as a human being.
I don't know when my daughter will come to the place that I am no longer the "worst mother on earth" and come to remember the good I did or tried to do. Maybe never....
Sometimes I feel very stilted writing here, so much so that I don't write. Period. End of story.
So much of my life doesn't fit neatly for a journal, or anywhere. Much of what concerns me doesn't make for great reading.
Like, one of the biggest issues I deal with a lot now is prejudice against disabilities. It isn't bad enough that my body has been afflicted with medical problem, but it is also a very visible medical problem. It affects my ability to sit (such a normal thing, huh?), to stand long (in one place), and walk (in other words, my mobility). Each of these causes severe pain, which, in turn, makes the visible problem worse (oh joy, let's just have more attention drawn to me and the problem!).
Until I broke my foot last year (another long story), I walked as much as possible inside and outside my house. I didn't use a walker or wheelchair. But, the broken foot caused that to change. I use a walker to pull myself to standing (that will change as my foot gets to bending more), and I had to use a wheelchair when out to get from point A to point B. (That too will change as I gain the strength lost from a year of not being able to put weight on my broken foot.)
The biggest discrimination I face concerning my disability is, believe it or not, from doctors and medical care places! Before, when I could walk without any assistance, people talked to ME. But something strange happened the first time I was in a wheelchair (and continues to happen). Medical Staff (doctors, nurses, etc) NEVER speak TO ME. They start talking to the friend who drives me to appointments!! "Can SHE stand?" "SHE needs to move over onto this so we can..." "We need HER medical history." "Here are HER forms to fill out."
WHOA! I stop the person -- "excuse me, I am the patient--ask ME!" Or "I am not deaf, blind, or incompetent and I can answer your questions/fill out your forms!" And guess what? They STILL IGNORE me! And, it is clearly "the chair" that causes this (wrong) behavior from them. I did a test recently by gingerly hobbling to the receptionist desk of an office where I've been seen before, and they spoke to ME. Same place where the week before they never acknowledged my presence other than by SHE and HER, directed to my friend ABOUT ME. No, it is clearly "the chair." And, what is amazing is these folks do not even know they are doing it!
NO person should be treated like this! Instead, every patient should be addressed by NAME (not honey, sweetie, dear, darling) and be spoken to DIRECTLY, regardless of using a wheelchair. "Mrs. Smith, here are your forms." It's very simple. And as a former professional in the medical field, I also KNOW that is absolutely the way a patient should be treated. Instead, I am treated as though their assumption is that I am incompetent or need a guardian!
And it is a very difficult thing to fight. Even though I verbally stand up for myself in EACH and EVERY situation, they then act like I have just been a "bitch" for telling them to talk to ME. My friend is not my caregiver, my guardian, my power of attorney (POA) or medical POA, nor is she my family member. I am not incompetent, unconscious or uncooperative. My mouth works, my hands function, I am 100% oriented to self, place, date and time. I can recite my medical history, my meds and allergies. What is horrible in these situations is the staff person does not even ASK FIRST to ascertain whether or not I am incompetent and therefore might need someone to speak for me!
The first rule of nursing is: ASSESSMENT, not assumption.
The problem I'm describing is HUGE, very widespread in my community, and deceptively robs a person of whatever dignity and independence they still have! Illness & injury, especially those requiring a long recovery, are already hard on one's sense of self, feeling of independence & mastery and all the things we take for granted when well. A wheelchair should be viewed as a TOOL, an inanimate object that allows transport. In no way should a wheelchair automatically label a person as being unable to take care of one's own business (forms, signature, medical history, etc.)
But other than complaining in each situation, there seems to be NO central place to place a complaint (except to each hospital, each doctor office, etc.). There needs to be ONE place, though, so that all these professional idiots (yes idiots) can get in-services that address this issue!
So there I've said it. This is something I deal with weekly, monthly. No, it isn't a topic that makes for "happy" journal entries.
The war in Iraq is turning into an emotional & philosophical civil war in the United States. The demonstrations in Crawford, Texas are only symbolic of the private conversations at home and in the workplace.
All households agree on one thing: "We support our soldiers." But not everyone agrees on the decision to send soldiers to Iraq in the first place, or the decision to send more troops.
We were told Saddam had WMDs. But troops have not found them, if they exist. Yet, troops have found caches buried in the sand. With sand everywhere, who knows what might still be buried there?
We were told Saddam was a dangerous dictator who murdered his own people, and he did. The rat was caught in his hole in the end. He will stand trial and hopefully he will be executed. At least part of his own country wishes they could execute him themselves.
But Iraqis are in an emotional and philosophical civil war themselves. Part is relieved the US troops are there; the other part schemes to kill US soldiers and anyone else they believe is either in control or "against" their beliefs. That part of the population doesn't care whether they kill fellow-Iraqis, including women and children. They don't value human life. But the Iraqi 'civil war' runs deeper than whether troops of other countries should be in their home land. Their 'war' is within themselves, and among their own people.
Yet, at the core, deep down, human beings seek the same things: freedom, autonomy, control over one's own destiny, the ability to live out their lives in the best way for themselves and their families. In different time zones, Iraqi and US citizens wake up to the sun, contend with surprises from the weather, and are subject to illness and death.
How different the world would be if people would look up at the clouds (or stars) and remember... remember how puny each of us is on this world... remember there is a lot that is much bigger than any of us.... remember that we all are connected....
I realize there are folks who don't believe in any "God" per se. Yet, even without a god, think about these things:
Can you create a sunrise or sunset?
Can you create a tropical storm?
Can you direct the wind?
Can you create an F-5 tornado?
Can you create a hurricane?
Can you make snow fall from the sky?
Can you make a silky dewdrop? or one grain of gritty sand?
Can you make a lightning bolt hit a single tree?
Can you hear the prayers of a woman keeping vigil at her child's hospital bed?
Can you hear the millions upon millions of prayers silently spoken across the world in a single day?
My prayer is that terrorists and bombers and murderers and anyone holding a grudge will today step out of their home, look at the sky, and simply, remember......
From philosophers to mathematicians to everyday folk, and even by bloggers, the question has been raised. "How many people have ever lived on earth, total?" There are websites devoted to long scientific formulas (which I don't understand), and numerous pages that give the sought-after to answer the curious.
The Population Reference Bureau says: "Any estimate of the total number of people who have ever been born will depend basically on two factors: (1) the length of time humans are thought to have been on Earth and (2) the average size of the human population at different periods." < http://www.prb.org/Template.cfm?Section=PRB&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=7421 >
StraightDope < http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_085.html > says: "Demographers have come up with estimates ranging between 69 billion and 110 billion humans. This gives us a spread of 41 billion, a pretty formidable margin of error." After an article discussing the factors invoilved, the Population Reference Bureau gives the simple answer of:
106,456,367,669
I've wondered about the "how many total" question as a genealogist/historian, especially after a day of taking a cemetery census or scouring old and new obituaries for names of persons in my "tree." Especially difficult for a genealogist is the realization of ALL the babies and children who have died throughout time. Somehow, that seems especially cruel. Those lives never came to survive and experience all the joys and hurts of being alive.
A detailed article could be written about all the factors that have robbed us of millions of lives. Of course, the reasons include: poor diet, poor sanitation, lack of antibiotics, poor healthcare... floods, famines, earthquakes, and other natural disasters including blizzards... epidemics of flu, contagious diseases like measles, AIDS, and still today, something simple like pneumonia.... For babies, everything from the common cold to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and Infanticide have determined whether a fragile young life would see another birthday.
But, my thoughts are not about the factual causes of deaths. My question is more philosophical, as a simple: Why? Why were those lives taken and what would they have become had they lived? How would their life had impacted the family group? One child could have changed an entire family's destiny. What numbers of creative and loving people were lost to the world?
I also wonder, what in the universe allowed me to see a 1st birthday, to enter school at 7 (my birthday was after the age cut-off for first grade), to graduate high school and college and nursing school, to have my own child.... ? I feel a certain responsibility when I think of the babies and children who have died. Since my life was allowed to continue, I should make a real effort to make my life count somehow. Seeing how many did not make it, I shouldn't waste the life given to me.
I think about all the mothers of those children, too. I imagine the moms at the moment they were aware of their baby's death, and I imagine each mother's grief when standing near their baby's casket. They say there is no grief more profound than a mother losing a child. Even a mere 50-100 years ago, babies had a higher mortality rate (and that's not counting current trends of infanticide in some countries). As I think of these facts, imagining moms standing by gravesides, the grief that earth has been witness to is simply staggering to realize. Can you imagine that amount of grief? And yet, moms of yesterday and moms of today somehow find a way, a fortitude, to go on with their lives!
Yes, I may be strange, but as I type baby-obituaries for geneaology, I do feel responsible to be a better human being, to be productive in my journey, to acknowledge the gifts given to myself and others. My feelings do not arise from a morbid interest in death, but from a recognition that life remains a constant mystery, and to breath another day is a gift. The hobby of genealogy has built a memorial in my heart for all the young ones whose deaths were marked by tombstones with angels wings carved on them, and mothers' tears rolling from her cheeks as her mind screamed: "Why?"
Writers have 2 friends they consult frequently: the dictionary and the thesaurus. (That word has always been a difficult one for me to spell, so I imagine a yet-to-be discovered dino-saur whose full name is The---Saur---Us. Or I think of an exclamation about T-Rex: "T ! He Saur Us!") The thesaurus contains great lists of synonyms, offering alternative words with like-meanings.
Last night I was re-reading the part of my genealogy book that covers a church history. I was editing the section for sentence structure and repetitive words. Since the topic is genealogy, it was no surprise that the words "family" and "families" were found in many sentences. "These families migrated from..." "When searching for families of this church...." "These families often inter-married throughout many generations." So I visited the trusty "The--Saur-Us" online <http://thesaurus.reference.com/> for alternative words.
There are words that easily substitute for "family" if writing about one's own kin. Instead of "My family...," I could use any of these words: (my) ancestors, ancestry (includes), descendants, descent, folk/folks, forebearers, genealogy, kin, kind, kindred, line, lineage, pedigree, progenitors, relations, relatives, siblings, or even my tribe if used selectively in my writing. And if I wanted a more precise word and was talking about my own family, I could describe parts of my family: (my) parents, parental (as a descriptor, ex. my parental home), children, siblings, etc, But, the choices become very limited when wanting a word that means "family," but family that is not your own.
Since the church history in my book covers many unrelated families, and groups of families, I could insert a surname and use phrases like: ..members of the Lane brood...; the Waller clan... the Shidler descendants... the Camp relations....; the Wise kin-folk... or something generic like, ....members of these households..... And if I didn't mind using outdated or odd phrases, I could use words like blood, clan, strain, or tribe.
It seems there are few words that substitute for "family," and fewer single words to use in place of "families," especially groups of unrelated persons. Oooo, another phrase I could use at least once, although it could sound strange: "These groups of partly-related (or unrelated)persons traveled together..." Naa, that doesn't really fit or read well.
No, the word that fits best the majority of times is, simply, families. Families in the singular sense (household groups that are related), or families plural (groups of families that have some common relationship; or groups of families with no blood relationship, like within churches).
It seems fitting that there are few words that can precisely be substituted for family and families. There is a reverence in referring to one's own family, and we are inclusive by using that one word. Just that one word "family" embraces all of our immediate , primary relationships (mother, father, sister/s, brother/s), and those in our extended family (aunt/s, uncle/s, cousin/s, grandparents, and more). Those two words have value attached, especially when we extend it to include those we consider to be our "family" but who are not necessarily blood relations.
In writing genealogies, we must retain that essence of "value" when describing one's own family or groups of families. Otherwise, we could easily use sentences like "This species of the Lane family rode horseback over the rolling mountains of western Maryland, arriving in southwest Pennsylvania by 1809." No, written genealogies reflect the esteem we ascribe to the meaning of "family" and "families". And, that is fitting, in a way that no thesaurus can offer anything that fits better.
(c) 2005 Judy Florian
