Life moves along ...still

        The one thing about life is it continues right along despite what is going on....

 

         My daaughter is out of ICU and back home.  Thank goodness!  I just hope she listens to the Dr and to my suggestions (I have had the same medical problem, so I've been through it).

 

         In the meantime..... since the beginning of August, I have worked on webpages.... and today, my first page went through the "validator" (checks your coding) and it only has TWO errors -- ones Frontpage stuck in there.

 

         So, congrats to ME.  Yay.  Now I just need to start uploading and check links etc....

 

Whew!

Life Kicks (& not just in the womb)

           Ever notice how much life gets in the way of living?  From around shadowy corners, out of the old "left field," life happens TO us, giving us a swift kick backwards.

 

             The kicks can come from two very different directions - from other people - and from our own bodies.  I don't know which I feel betrayed by more.

 

               I had decided to seek some help  from a person for some particular things.... and she had agreed to help.  Said then that her "intuition" said she should help me... that she felt a calling to assist me...  All was well, until she decided to give me a swift kick.....  And her reason?  Her "intuition" !  (Gee, guess her intuition cannot make up its mind!)    Loyalty doesn't always get respected by some; she didn't appreciate mine obviously.  And worse about the "kick," often the reasons people give for kicking you have more to do about THEM than about YOU.  Ever notice that?  Their faults, mistakes & shortcomings suddenly get blamed on you.  I don't think most people are even aware of this when they do it.  My opinion:  When you are going to KICK ME, at least be HONEST with yourself, and me!  Don't blame your reasons on the other person, or use a lame excuse like "intuition" (which you said expressed a completely contradictory message NOW than the message earlier).

 

        The other KICKS come when disease, illness, or accident "gets ya," and without saying, this kind is worse if you've already been kicked in the past by your body revolting against life -- and against you.  This time, the kick was indirect.  Illness has re-found my daughter, who has been in ICU since last week.  She almost  

                           died ....................................................   

How............  how......... how does a parent handle that?????  

I want to spare her this major life kick ---- but -----

                                                                            I can't.

 

How pathetic.  How useless I feel.  

 

Kick ME, Life, don't kick my kid.  

 

          

Two Weeks aready?

Wow two weeks goes by in an eyeblink it seems.

I've been very, very, very busy.  And it's been a great time!  After struggling with webpages, I've managed to put together over 45 pages (well they are each over 90% done).  Just some finishing touches and I'll be ready to launch.  Ooops! "Launch" -- what is that?  HOW do I do that??  Well, that will be one of my upcoming lessons.

I want to thank Janet, cousin to my friend Vicki.  Without Janet, I would still be stuck on this project, which had not gotten even 1 page done that I liked even a little.  But, with Janet's help, I've learned a TON of stuff and am well on my way!

Of course, now I have to go delete 2 previous attempts at *very* bad websites!  I'll be glad to see those few pages go!  And of course, I can use that space for my new & improved pages!  Yeah!

I really get a kick from mastering NEW info and finding success in USING new info.  I guess I'm very much a "learner;" that is, I really enjoy learning.  I never, ever, ever thought I'd be doing this kind of project!

Of course, I have jitters about launching the website.  Will it be good enough for users?  Will they like it?  Have I forgotten anything?  At night, I can "hear" ideas perculating in my mind.  Sooner or later those ideas will pop to the surface.  I hope soon, cos I'm not happy with the color & images "design" part of my webpages yet.  Part of MY problem is that what I like in images doesn't lend itself very well to computer use.  Nor on mainly data pages (genealogy data).  So I'm searching free image sites to see what I can find.

Hopefully, I'll have my very first website up & running by November.   I'm planning three sites linked together.  Hope it works.

Of course.... the work on my book has come to a standstill - again.  I really think I should have a secretary (or two)-- LOL.  I don't have enough hands to do what I want to get done!!

 

Justice for Patients left to drown/die

           On September 7th I wrote in this journal that the nursing home owners needed to be identified, charged, and jailed for suspected homocide or manslaughter for leaving those patients/not evacuating the patients.  I also wrote a letter to CNN about WHY no journalist had attempted to identify/find/interview the persons responsible for those patients being abandoned.

             Well, some action has been taken, finally.  Read below.

=================================================

"Nursing Home Owners Charged in Deaths

BATON ROUGE, La. (AP) - The husband-and-wife owners of a nursing home near New Orleans were charged Tuesday with negligent homicide in the deaths of 34 people during the flooding unleashed by Hurricane Katrina.

The case represents the first major prosecution to come out of the disaster.

The owners of St. Rita's Nursing Home in Chalmette "were asked if they wanted to move (the patients). They did not. They were warned repeatedly that this storm was coming," Louisiana Attorney General Charles Foti said.

"In effect, their inaction resulted in the deaths of these patients," Foti said.

Salvador A. Mangano and his wife, Mable, surrendered and were jailed on 34 counts of negligent homicide. Each count carries up to five years in prison.

The attorney general said he is also investigating the discovery of more than 40 corpses at flooded-out Memorial Medical Center, in New Orleans' Uptown section.

The victims at St. Rita's died Aug. 29, the day the hurricane hit, and on Sept. 6, at least 14 unrecognizable bodies were still inside the nursing home, the New York Times reported last week.

St. Bernard Parish Councilman Ricky Melerine said the water rose 3 feet in 15 minutes that morning and then even faster, the Times said.

Several men tried to rescue the nursing home's residents by floating them out on mattresses, and others were able to walk to a school, the Times said. In all, the home had about 60 residents.

There were apparent efforts to fight the incoming water inside St. Rita's. A table was nailed against a window and a couch was pushed up against a door, the Times said. There was also evidence that water had reached the roof.

The owners had an evacuation plan as required under state law and a contract with an ambulance service to evacuate the patients, but they did not call the company, Foti said.

They also turned down an offer from St. Bernard Parish officials who asked if the nursing home wanted help evacuating, he said. The home is about 10 miles southeast of New Orleans in an area of heavy devastation.

Foti said the bodies have not all been identified and he was not sure how many of the victims were patients or staff.

"They had a duty and a standard of care to people who could not care for themselves," Foti said of the owners. "If you or I decided we are going to stay, we do it of our own free will.

The people at the nursing home don't have that choice."

09/13/05 17:54 EDT

Copyright 2005 The Associated Press.

My experience is not your expectation

I've been saving this quoatation in an email since June 21st and forwarding it to myself month after month (AOL takes mail that is more than 30 days old).  The quote is: "My experience is not your expectation."  Regretfully, I don't remember where I saw it.

                              My experience is not your expectation....

            My life drastically changed in 1999.  After almost 20 years of "walking-wounded" type pain, my body finally gave in (gave up) and the past 7 years has been practically unbearable with 24 hr. severe pain.  My mobility changed; my life changed.

           But, my family has not understood the changes I've gone through, nor the situation I now find myself in every day.  They expect my life to be the same.  But, it is not the same, and probably will never be the same ever again. 

          Yet, my sisters still expect me to be normal, and to have normal activities as they do in their lives.  They don't want to hear that I'm in pain; they don't want to hear one word about (ewww) illness.  They have not been chronically ill.  They expect me to recover as one would after a bad cold or flu.  But, chronic pain is not like that; recovery, if any occurs, might happen after surgical intervention, or, maybe never.  Never is a word they don't want to hear.

          No, if I try to come to terms with my situation and begin accepting what has happened TO me, my sisters say I am not being "positive enough."  They fully believe positive thinking is enough to make my pain just disappear.  They ignore the fact that medical interventions (physical therapy, ultrasound, etc.) has failed to correct the problem and that if surgery is not recommended (or indicated) that the way I am now will be the way I will be.  No amount of positive thinking will totally heal my body or make damaged nerves suddenly functional again.

         For 7 years I have tried to beas productive as I can be from the confines of bed or chair, mostly bed.  Somedays, I make tremendous progress towards goals I have set for different projects, but other days, progress is very little.  My family doesn't understand that how I wake up is never predictable.  A "good day" is never guaranteed.  For me, a "positive" in my day may be that I completed 2 pages of writing a book.  Just 2 little pages.  No, it doesn't compare to my former life of bread-winner, mother, errand-runner, going back to college for a 2nd degree.  But those days are gone.  Now a "positive" may be that I had one or two "good hours" before pain overruled any plans I had for the day.

         Pain has not only taken away my former "normal" life, sadly it has also taken away my relationships with 2 of my 3 remaining sisters.  I can't talk to them and under the circumstances, they don't want to talk to me.  They've become judgmental and unaccepting of -- me.  We have no contact now except an occasional email.  One of the two never emails at all.  There are no telephone calls.

         I am sad that they don't want me in their lives.  Yet, I cannot be treated as though I should be apologetic for what life has handed to me to bear.  I cannot be treated as though I am some burden to them (they live in other States, are not close-by, and are never responsible for my care, so the feeling of being a burden comes only from how they speak and act towards me). 

         No, "my experience is not your expectation...."  I cannot run to the mall with my sisters, or jump in the car to go to a restaurant for lunch/dunner with them.  I cannot go "see the sites" if / when they choose to visit me.  I can no longer get in my car to make the 12+ hour trip to see the one...or take an airplane across the country to see the other one.  I no longer have a job/work to tell them about, or to relate funny stories about my boss/coworkers.  I cannot even personally relate to things they experience out in the world now, like driving in traffic jams and the high cost of gas.  My world is no longer out in "the world."  My world is now this world, a much smaller world than I ever, ever, thought or dreamed or ever knew existed.  I never thought this would be my world at a young age.

          No, dear sisters, "my experience is not your expectation...."   And my expectation and hope is no one will ever have to go through this experience....

 

 

God Help Us All

"The enormity of the disaster came ever-clearer in neighboring St. Bernard Parish, which was hit by a levee break that brought a wall of water up to 20 feet high. State Rep. Nita Hutter said 30 people died at a flooded nursing home in Chalmette when the staff left the elderly residents behind in their beds. And Rep. Charlie Melancon said more than 100 people died at a dockside warehouse while they waited for rescuers to ferry them to safety.

From the article "Some New Orleans Holdouts Leave Reluctantly," By SHARON COHEN, AP, NEW ORLEANS (Sept. 7)  as seen at http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20050824033709990005

======================================================

      The employees who deserted those elderly patients should be brought up on criminal charges by the Federal government AND State government!   How dare they leave human beings to drown, especially when nursing home patients are often immobile or need assistance to get to a sitting position.  They could have placed each patient in a Geri-chair and wheeled them to a central place where they might be safer -- or someplace where their heads might have been higher than the water level !  To be stranded in hospital beds, and often restrained as many nursing home patients are kept on a daily basis, and left to drown is a criminal act of homocide. 

       What are the identites of those employees?  Where did they go?  Who rescued them?  AND what employees, if any, told any person in authority that the patients were there?  OR, did they all act cowardly, run away from their responsibility and never mention the patients to anyone?? 

        Where is the television coverage on this story?  Where is CNN - why hasn't a journalist tracked down those employees to whatever shelter they are in and asked them "WHY did you kill those people?"  The easy answer is "I didn't kill them; the floodwaters killed them."  But, the moral responsibility of caregivers is the same, whether in the face of any conditions at that institution.  Every institution has evacuation plans for fire, flood, etc.  Yes, the New Orleans flood was not within the "normal" scope of disasters, but thoseemployees did not even try to rescue those patients!

          Through the New Orleans tragedy, we have witnessed a large number of examples of the moral decline of America.  Snipers shooting at rescuers and those trying to make repairs to pumping, cell towers, electrical grid; rapes and murders at the Dome; leaving the invalid strapped to hospital beds....  All I can say is, God help us all.

Hurricaine Relief

I wrote this for a couple groups with members in the UK.

 

Dear all/anyone,

Network for Good is the recommended website to get information for "how to help" or donate money.  The request of agencies is to donate money.  It is recommended to specify "Hurricaine Relief" on/with your donation. And you can specify the area or type of help (like Red Cross/medical help; or Animal rescue.) Network for Good is  http://www.networkforgood.org/     

Here is the page listing each organization which needs/accepts donations http://www.networkforgood.org/topics/animal_environ/hurricanes/   (The donate button is UNDER each organization --- there is no horizontal line between the entries, so it can look confusing, so just remember the donate button is UNDER the one you want.)  When you click DONATE you get a complete description of the organization & its assests. 

When you click DONATE NOW, it takes you to a second page with a secure server where you can make the donation online, just like making other purchases online.

Hope this helps someone.

It is estimated that at least 15%-plus people of New Orleans are STILL either waiting in or are trapped IN their homes.  Waters often came into the second story, so they believe many are trapped IN their ATTICS with no way to break through the roofs. 

They believe they will find hundreds dead in their attics - from flood waters OR from the extreme heat in attics with the dehydration that would follow from high heat/no drinking water.  They estimate it will take months to find and recover all the bodies.  This is heartbreaking.  But it means the USA will need money to pay / house  / feed the searchers as well as the fuel for helicopters//trucks etc used in the search. 

Most of the walking-living that were in LARGE GROUPS have been rescued and removed  from the area now. (But still up to 15-20% are still trapped in houses.)  This means that other States/Cities need relief help, such as Houston Texas where up to 75,000 people were taken to the Astrodome.  They estimate these folks will live AT the dome for at least 3 to 6 months.  They need everything from toothbrushes...to deodorant...to personal care products...soap...clothes..etc, etc etc.  Like most of the USA who want to help, it is not very practical to send packages of supplies, so it is recommended to donate money to a reputable charity involved in the rescue process.

They have taken people out by coast guard and Army helicopters, and also chartered commercial planes to take people from the local staging ground to other Cities/States.  So money to buy fuel is very, very important. 

The devastated area, I believe they said, is equal to the size of Great Britian.  It covers Louisianna, Alabama & Mississippi.  Also part of Florida was affected, but much less damage. 

Hope this information helps you all decide what you want to do to help.  Just remember though, even a little donation will be great.  Many people think donations need to be big sums, but little bits of money from many all get added together for the greater good.

Have a nice weekend.


PS remember they have only begun going in to rescue the animals left behind, which include dogs, cats, pets, and farm animals.

as of Sept 4 2005:  

Estimates for money needed :   $ 90 BILLION

Estimates to get water out of city:  up to 90 days

No estimates given on fuel spent

What are they thinking???????

         I've watched a lot of the New Orleans coverage and I'm very upset to hear there were rapes going on.  I just have to wonder: WHY?

        I doubt very much that there is ONE female who thinks of sex or satisfying sexual needs during a horrific crisis!   Women may want to be held, be comforted, and that in turn might FEEL sexual.  But, it passes.

        Yet, it is not enough to say "ONLY MEN would think of SEXUAL NEEDS in such a situation!"  It is well-known that rape is a power issue, a control issue.  But, I think it is more than that.  Many men simply do not know how to be close, get comfort, or get any emotional needs met EXCEPT through sex.  They misinterpret everything they are feeling and turn those emotions into "I must control you; I must 'have' you."  

         However, whatever reasons are behind the rapes in New Orleans, it is appalling. 

        But there is quite a bit going on that's appalling.  Murders, beatings, robbery.  Why??  Everyone there is in the "same boat" - that is, with NO boat, no way out, and dwindling hope.  So why beat each other?  Why rob someone?  Why KILL?  Hasn't the hurricaine and flooding already killed enough people, and left the rest hurting? 

        Where is their humanity?????

         It's gone.  If they ever had any, that is.

 

 

Steep Learning Curve

           Yes, I know, I've been quiet here.  Since I can't do anything about the other problem(s), I decided to focus on learning html coding and how to create a website.  No, I don't have one (yet).  I'm probably one of the few who hasn't put up some kind of webpage.  But, hopefully, that will change soon!

           Just a few years ago I went from Windows 3.11 (yes!!!!!!) to WinXP.  Steep learning curve!  But, I've learned XP, so I should be able to learn coding.  Right???  I hope!

Even a "funk" sometimes gets worse

House of Cards

          Remember the story line on "The Brady Bunch" when the kids had a boy-girl contest to build a house of cards?  (I think it was to decide which kids would get to "spend" the green stamps they'd collected before, and were set to expire soon.)  Those kids held their breath, wrapped loose fabric of their clothes tight to their body, and did everything possible to NOT have their "house" fall down.

           Do you remember the first time you built a house of cards?  A house of cards starts with two and is multipled upward and outward, as long as no one breathes too hard, no hand shakes too much, no untoward event happens! 

           Unfortunately, home health care services in my State are like a house of cards.  One sigh, one wrong move, and even the breath of others can knock the whole house down in one second.   The disabled in my State are subject to the silliest rules.  The rule for the Home Care program is: you can have home help but only if you have your own "back-up" for care, and even though you are eligible for help, the company does not have to provide service OR make sure they have back-up for their employee!  However, many patients have no family, and few friends who want to be available to be back-up.  If you have no personal back-up, you cannot qualify for the service!  Isn't that a nice catch 22?!  Sick; need help; no family/friends; you would be eliminated for service!  Good logic, huh?

           Well I had a helper and we worked well together.  But, something (I'm not given the details) happened (but not here and not with me), and I get a call from the company that the employee will NOT be here anymore!  I got a 1-hour notice!  No personal back-up can re-arrange their life to get to me in an hour.  Plus, it is August; most families go on vacation.  So I complain (loudly).  After only 24 hours, the company says they "cannot find anyone!" and tell me I am being terminated from services too!  For what?   I didn't do anything wrong! 

             So in the blink of an eye, I lost my best helper.  She'd been here 2 years and missed only 1 day.  She never took a vacation.  She never was late.  She had a good heart and helped me as much as she could.  But, now I've lost her because of the stupidity of an agency! 

            Maybe my previous "funk" was some more of my ESP?  (I wish I didn't "pick up" vibes.)   There was no warning, just my funk. 

             Obviously, I'm stressed out and upset.  And... just tired of the stupidity...

 

Hmmm....

          Ever in a funk?  Times you just sigh pitifully, for no apparent reason?  I'm in one of those pitiful sighing funks.  Don't even know why.  Nothing major has gone wrong.  Everything is pretty much status quo.  Well, maybe that is the "problem" because status quo is never terrific here.  But, I mean nothing bad that is NEW or major has happened recently.   I have been lurking on the edge of being ill (again) with another ear infection; been keeping it at bay so far.  Maybe that is enough to be in a funk.

         I did have some progress.  I finally got a webpage maker program!  Yay!  Of course, now I have to learn the programs!  Then I have to find some creativity!!  But, right now, my mind is as blank as the total white space of a new document.  A little white space is good, it allows room to think and dream.  But 100% white space is not good!

         I wish it was easier for me to learn computer stuff.  I don't learn well from reading manuals.  It's better when I'm shown "how to" do things.  But I am my only teacher right now.  I'm chuckling... a teacher who knows nothing is doing the teaching!

Spirituality & Religion

       Today's Newsweek Magazine contains an article about Spirituality in the USA.  Their survey shows over 70% of Americans are praying.   And, while folks say they are not "religious," they say they are "spiritual" -- BUT the majority enjoy, seek and want "traditional" church services in their denomination of choice  (pretty "religious" under my definition!).  They find solace in the "old words" (worlds??) used by religions and want the "structure" found in church services.

       

Re-Connecting

         After high school and nursing school, my life path moved away from many of the people who had been my friends.  With some, separation came after I had my daughter (and "responsibilities").  I lost contact with others when I moved to an adjoining State and rarely got back home.  And, after (mumbling) 18 years, I suddenly wanted to "re-connect" with those folks.  Is this a common thing, wanting contact with buddies from high school and college days?  It must be.

        Some people were very hard to locate.  I looked for Jackie for over a year.  We both had babies when I last saw her.  I never wrote down her married name (who would think I might forget her name!  Not me.)  It was exciting when I found her!  She was my first real "best friend."  I think the most important thing Jackie gave to me was acceptance.  And she came into my life at a time when I needed that the most.  And her humor.  I badly needed her humor in 9th grade.  Before 10th grade, my mom had died.  Then I lost contact with Jackie when I changed schools.

        Another hard-to-find person was a teacher in grade school who I'll call Miss Lynn here.  I'd actually looked for her during high school, but she had moved.  This past year, I finally found her (it was SO easy this search!).  Miss Lynn had "valued me," and I had so needed that!  She was the first person to tell me I was a good writer, too.  Writing was something I would end up burying for a number of years. Only after others complimented me did I remember that Miss Lynn had been the first person to tell me that I was a gifted writer.

        Jenny was a high school friend, then a nursing school friend.  As she said the other day, we always seem to re-find each other.  I always admired Jenny.  She had a wisdom I felt I lacked and could express thoughts so clearly.  She was always honest and direct in a non-hurtful way.  And there was a stability about her, regardless of what was going on around her.  We both had young children but she seemed much more comfortable in the mothering role than I did.  We both went into home care nursing, but Jenny ended up doing much more with her nursing career; I got injured.  About a year ago, Jenny had a pretty bad stroke and now cannot resume nursing.  Our lives, so different, parellell each other's in so many ways.

          There were also guys I had dated who I wanted to contact.  Chip had been one of my first dates.  He was a DJ at the local radio station.  I'd actually re-contacted him maybe 10 years ago, but that day was the day he was bringing his wife and baby daughter home from the hospital !  Who would have thought he'd get married!  A few months ago, we got in touch again.  He'd had 3 children, been divorced...  This past week, he called to say his ex-wife had been killed in a freak accident!  And now, he is a full-time Dad. 

          Dave was my first love.  Now I don't know what I ever saw in him!  He, too, got married and is happy with his life.  I don't know what his wife sees in him either! 

          I have looked for other people I used to know, but I haven't been successful in finding them yet.  A few I found had died (that's sad).  One I never contacted; I knew Rich in nursing school, a jolly fellow.  He had married and although I had thought about him, I didn't want to intrude.  Then, I spotted his obituary online.  I wish now I had contacted him just once.

        I wonder.... are there other people who have thought of me?  Thought of me to the point of looking for me?  I wonder if I did something for someone too, like I feel about the people I've re-contacted?  If so, I hope they find me. 

The Path and the Course

          I imagine visiting the Grand Canyon for a hiking trip would be overwhelming, especially if there were no Guides, no posted signs, and no maps.  Luckily, those things are provided to protect visitors and to guarantee the maximum amount of enjoyment of the arduous trek.  (As well, to increase your chances of coming back alive!)

         Hikers in other parts of the USA set out on their own.  Some choose forrested areas, others choose desert sands and blaring sun.  If smart, they pack what they need to survive the hike as well as make it back on their own.  Maybe it is a familiar haunt, or they've acquired the knowledge and skill needed to navigate their way successfully. 

         Unfortunately, casaulties and even death occur on both Guided trips and ones undertaken with a sense of individual competency.  No trip is void of potential injury.  And, it's just as likely to fall and sprain an ankle, or fall and be fatally injured.  There are a thousand-and-one dangers.  This is why having a Guide, someone more experienced, is helpful to accompany you on these adventures.

       Life is much the same as a trip into unknown (not-yet experienced) areas.  Often, there is no map, not even of the main routes and waterways.  While you can see sections of the path, the stretch of sand to the horizon, the foot path before the next craggy boulder, what is to come next is often hidden.  Sometimes it is exciting to explore the path; other times, it's quite frightening, or at least unsettling.  How much easier it would be if you could not only see the entire "path" but also the entire "course."   Or, be with someone who has seen them.

       We raise our kids without an idea of what the entire course looks like.  We work in jobs with no fore-knowledge of how our contribution will affect the company in 20-30 years (if we're lucky to have the same job that long).  We pursue our dreams in much the same way, only imagining what the end result will "look like," and what our lives will become, "then." 

        Do you ever stop in a day and consider where you are going, and think aout the things you are doing along the way?  Do you find yourself wandering, starting off on one path, but taking side paths you think will either be interesting, or think might be a short-cut out of the forrest?  Or, do you never venture off the hardened trod-upon path you believe everyone else has taken before you arrived?   Is there someone you watch, observe, then "follow," whether it concerns raising your family, doing your job, getting promoted, or other activity you are doing?

       Unfortunately, there are not always mentors to turn to when we are stumbling along on our life trips.  Yet, most mentors have the ability to assist because they have seen not only paths, but the overall "course" at least once.  They've taken the trip themselves, often without a Guide of their own, and they've found their way to places we only dream about today.  So, why aren't there more Mentor-Guides?  Where are those folks who can share their knowledge, expertise, wisdom?  Sometimes, we need to identify ourselves as Mentors, and be willing to step out of hiding so that we can help fellow travelers. 

        What knowledge, expertise or skills do you have?  Who can you assist today on their trek through unknown terrain?       

         

Selective Memory

          How is it that anyone can block out/ blank out 27 years of memories and remember only ONE year?  How is that possible?  I guess with kids, anything is possible.  I have to admit, I did the same with my own mother, except I focused on 3 years as negative. 

         In my situation, I was a pre-teen, my mother was dying and I didn't much like that fact.  In addition, there was another very bad thing going on in the same time frame.  Nope, I hated that time of my life.  I blamed my mom for a lot of it.  And I blamed her for a good 9-10 years!  I even blamed her for dying, as though she could have not done that!  But, I changed.  When my own daughter started walking, and the first times I was overwhelmed by motherhood, I realized how much I missed my own mother.  And, I started to realize:  my "mother" had been a PERSON, a WOMAN, not just a "mother."  I started to judge her less harshly for what I had believed were her flaws and sins, and I began to see how much she had struggled, failed, tried again/tried harder, and I started to understand the possible reasons for a lot of the things she did and said.  I still didn't AGREE with some of how I thought she thought...and her ways of dealing with things...  BUT, I could see reasons for WHY she was like she was...

      But, no, not MY kid.  She's 28 years of pent-up rage at me.  She is 28 years of resentment.  Our especially bad one year together was as bad as my several bad years with my mom.  Emotionally, there is no scale to use to weigh the emotional wounds one carries.  I realize that.  I realized that when my daughter was a child.  I even knew at the time that my "sins" as a parent would be held against me: it's what kids do.  When she was a teen, I told her I'd always be available to discuss anything, and I meant it.  But, instead, my kid would rather hate me. 

      There's something to be said about parenthood.  Becoming a parent yourself humanizes the parents you grew up with.  It doesn't erase the parents' mistakes, but it sure does soften the anger and resentment when you can see a parent as a human being.

      I don't know when my daughter will come to the place that I am no longer the "worst mother on earth" and come to remember the good I did or tried to do.  Maybe never.... 

Exposed

          Sometimes I feel very stilted writing here, so much so that I don't write.  Period.  End of story. 

         So much of my life doesn't fit neatly for a journal, or anywhere.  Much of what concerns me doesn't make for great reading. 

         Like, one of the biggest issues I deal with a lot now is prejudice against disabilities.  It isn't bad enough that my body has been afflicted with medical problem, but it is also a very visible medical problem.  It affects my ability to sit (such a normal thing, huh?), to stand long (in one place), and walk (in other words, my mobility).  Each of these causes severe pain, which, in turn, makes the visible problem worse (oh joy, let's just have more attention drawn to me and the problem!).

          Until I broke my foot last year (another long story), I walked as much as possible inside and outside my house.  I didn't use a walker or wheelchair.  But, the broken foot caused that to change.  I use a walker to pull myself to standing (that will change as my foot gets to bending more), and I had to use a wheelchair when out to get from point A to point B.  (That too will change as I gain the strength lost from a year of not being able to put weight on my broken foot.) 

         The biggest discrimination I face concerning my disability is, believe it or not, from doctors and medical care places!  Before, when I could walk without any assistance, people talked to ME.  But something strange happened the first time I was in a wheelchair (and continues to happen).  Medical Staff (doctors, nurses, etc) NEVER speak TO ME.  They start talking to the friend who drives me to appointments!!  "Can SHE stand?"  "SHE needs to move over onto this so we can..."  "We need HER medical history."  "Here are HER forms to fill out."

         WHOA!  I stop the person -- "excuse me, I am the patient--ask ME!"  Or "I am not deaf, blind, or incompetent and I can answer your questions/fill out your forms!"  And guess what?  They STILL IGNORE me!  And, it is clearly "the chair" that causes this (wrong) behavior from them.  I did a test recently by gingerly hobbling to the receptionist desk of an office where I've been seen before, and they spoke to ME.  Same place where the week before they never acknowledged my presence other than by SHE and HER, directed to my friend ABOUT ME.  No, it is clearly "the chair."  And, what is amazing is these folks do not even know they are doing it!

        NO person should be treated like this!  Instead, every patient should be addressed by NAME (not honey, sweetie, dear, darling) and be spoken to DIRECTLY, regardless of using a wheelchair.  "Mrs. Smith, here are your forms."  It's very simple.  And as a former professional in the medical field, I also KNOW that is absolutely the way a patient should be treated.  Instead, I am treated as though their assumption is that I am incompetent or need a guardian! 

     And it is a very difficult thing to fight.  Even though I verbally stand up for myself in EACH and EVERY situation, they then act like I have just been a "bitch" for telling them to talk to ME.  My friend is not my caregiver, my guardian, my power of attorney (POA) or medical POA, nor is she my family member.  I am not incompetent, unconscious or uncooperative.  My mouth works, my hands function, I am 100% oriented to self, place, date and time.  I can recite my medical history, my meds and allergies.  What is horrible in these situations is the staff person does not even ASK FIRST to ascertain whether or not I am incompetent and therefore might need someone to speak for me! 

        The first rule of nursing is: ASSESSMENT, not assumption. 

       The problem I'm describing is HUGE, very widespread in my community, and deceptively robs a person of whatever dignity and independence they still have!  Illness & injury, especially those requiring a long recovery, are already hard on one's sense of self, feeling of independence & mastery and all the things we take for granted when well.  A wheelchair should be viewed as a TOOL, an inanimate object that allows transport.  In no way should a wheelchair automatically label a person as being unable to take care of one's own business (forms, signature, medical history, etc.)

        But other than complaining in each situation, there seems to be NO central place to place a complaint (except to each hospital, each doctor office, etc.).  There needs to be ONE place, though, so that all these professional idiots (yes idiots) can get in-services that address this issue!

         So there I've said it.  This is something I deal with weekly, monthly.  No, it isn't a topic that makes for "happy" journal entries.

 

Remember...

          The war in Iraq is turning into an emotional & philosophical civil war in the United States.  The demonstrations in Crawford, Texas are only symbolic of the private conversations at home and in the workplace.

          All households agree on one thing: "We support our soldiers."  But not everyone agrees on the decision to send soldiers to Iraq in the first place, or the decision to send more troops. 

          We were told Saddam had WMDs.  But troops have not found them, if they exist.  Yet, troops have found caches buried in the sand.  With sand everywhere, who knows what might still be buried there?

          We were told Saddam was a dangerous dictator who murdered his own people, and he did.  The rat was caught in his hole in the end.  He will stand trial and hopefully he will be executed.  At least part of his own country wishes they could execute him themselves.

          But Iraqis are in an emotional and philosophical civil war themselves.  Part is relieved the US troops are there; the other part schemes to kill US soldiers and anyone else they believe is either in control or "against" their beliefs.  That part of the population doesn't care whether they kill fellow-Iraqis, including women and children.  They don't value human life.  But the Iraqi 'civil war' runs deeper than whether troops of other countries should be in their home land.  Their 'war' is within themselves, and among their own people. 

        Yet, at the core, deep down, human beings seek the same things:  freedom, autonomy, control over one's own destiny, the ability to live out their lives in the best way for themselves and their families.   In different time zones, Iraqi and US citizens wake up to the sun, contend with surprises from the weather, and are subject to illness and death. 

      How different the world would be if people would look up at the clouds (or stars) and remember... remember how puny each of us is on this world... remember there is a lot that is much bigger than any of us.... remember that we all are connected....

       I realize there are folks who don't believe in any "God" per se.  Yet, even without a god, think about these things:

Can you create a sunrise or sunset?

Can you create a tropical storm?

Can you direct the wind?

Can you create an F-5 tornado?

Can you create a hurricane?

Can you make snow fall from the sky?

Can you make a silky dewdrop?  or one grain of gritty sand?

Can you make a lightning bolt hit a single tree?

Can you hear the prayers of a woman keeping vigil at her child's hospital bed?

Can you hear the millions upon millions of prayers silently spoken across the world in a single day?

            My prayer is that terrorists and bombers and murderers and anyone holding a grudge will today step out of their home, look at the sky, and simply, remember......

 

Ever wonder...?

            From philosophers to mathematicians to everyday folk, and even by bloggers, the question has been raised.  "How many people have ever lived on earth, total?"  There are websites devoted to long scientific formulas (which I don't understand), and numerous pages that give the sought-after to answer the curious.

          The Population Reference Bureau says: "Any estimate of the total number of people who have ever been born will depend basically on two factors: (1) the length of time humans are thought to have been on Earth and (2) the average size of the human population at different periods." < http://www.prb.org/Template.cfm?Section=PRB&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=7421 >

 StraightDope < http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_085.html > says: "Demographers have come up with estimates ranging between 69 billion and 110 billion humans. This gives us a spread of 41 billion, a pretty formidable margin of error."    After an article discussing the factors invoilved, the Population Reference Bureau  gives the simple answer of:

                                        106,456,367,669 

          I've wondered about the "how many total" question as a genealogist/historian, especially after a day of taking a cemetery census or scouring old and new obituaries for names of persons in my "tree."  Especially difficult for a genealogist is the realization of ALL the babies and children who have died throughout time.  Somehow, that seems especially cruel.  Those lives never came to survive and experience all the joys and hurts of being alive. 

            A detailed article could be written about all the factors that have robbed us of millions of lives.  Of course, the reasons include: poor diet, poor sanitation, lack of antibiotics, poor healthcare... floods, famines, earthquakes, and other natural disasters including blizzards... epidemics of flu, contagious diseases like measles, AIDS, and still today, something simple like pneumonia.... For babies, everything from the common cold to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and Infanticide have determined whether a fragile young life would see another birthday. 

          But, my thoughts are not about the factual causes of deaths.  My question is more philosophical, as a simple: Why?  Why were those lives taken and what would they have become had they lived?  How would their life had impacted the family group?  One child could have changed an entire family's destiny.  What numbers of creative and loving people were lost to the world?

          I also wonder, what in the universe allowed me to see a 1st birthday, to enter school at 7 (my birthday was after the age cut-off for first grade), to graduate high school and college and nursing school, to have my own child.... ?    I feel a certain responsibility when I think of the babies and children who have died.   Since my life was allowed to continue, I should make a real effort to make my life count somehow.   Seeing how many did not make it, I shouldn't waste the life given to me. 

            I think about all the mothers of those children, too.  I imagine the moms at the moment they were aware of their baby's death, and I imagine each mother's grief when standing near their baby's casket.  They say there is no grief more profound than a mother losing a child.  Even a mere 50-100 years ago, babies had a higher mortality rate (and that's not counting current trends of infanticide in some countries).  As I think of these facts, imagining moms standing by gravesides, the grief that earth has been witness to is simply staggering to realize.  Can you imagine that amount of grief?  And yet, moms of yesterday and moms of today somehow find a way, a fortitude, to go on with their lives!

            Yes, I may be strange, but as I type baby-obituaries for geneaology, I do feel responsible to be a better human being, to be productive in my journey, to acknowledge the gifts given to myself and others.   My feelings do not arise from a morbid interest in death, but from a recognition that life remains a constant mystery, and to breath another day is a gift.   The hobby of genealogy has built a memorial in my heart for all the young ones whose deaths were marked by tombstones with angels wings carved on them, and mothers' tears rolling from her cheeks as her mind screamed: "Why?"  

It is Fitting....

Writers have 2 friends they consult frequently: the dictionary and the thesaurus.  (That word has always been a difficult one for me to spell, so I imagine a yet-to-be discovered dino-saur whose full name is The---Saur---Us.  Or I think of an exclamation about T-Rex:  "T !  He Saur Us!")    The thesaurus contains great lists of synonyms, offering alternative words with like-meanings.

Last night I was re-reading the part of my genealogy book that covers a church history.  I was editing the section for sentence structure and repetitive words.   Since the topic is genealogy, it was no surprise that the words "family" and "families" were found in many sentences.  "These families migrated from..."   "When searching for families of this church...."   "These families often inter-married throughout many generations."   So I visited the trusty "The--Saur-Us" online <http://thesaurus.reference.com/> for alternative words. 

There are words that easily substitute for "family" if writing about one's own kin.   Instead of "My family...,"  I could use any of these words: (my) ancestors, ancestry (includes), descendants, descent, folk/folks, forebearers, genealogy, kin, kind, kindred, line, lineage, pedigree, progenitors, relations, relatives, siblings, or even my tribe if used selectively in my writing.  And if I wanted a more precise word and was talking about my own family, I could describe parts of my family:  (my) parents, parental (as a descriptor, ex. my parental home), children, siblings, etc,   But, the choices become very limited when wanting a word that means "family," but family that is not your own.

Since the church history in my book covers many unrelated families, and groups of families, I could insert a surname and use phrases like: ..members of the Lane brood...; the Waller clan... the Shidler descendants... the Camp relations....; the Wise kin-folk... or something generic like, ....members of these households.....   And if I didn't mind using outdated or odd phrases, I could use words like blood, clan, strain, or tribe. 

It seems there are few words that substitute for "family," and fewer single words to use in place of "families," especially groups of unrelated persons.  Oooo, another phrase I could use at least once, although it could sound strange: "These groups of partly-related (or unrelated)persons traveled together..."  Naa, that doesn't really fit or read well. 

No, the word that fits best the majority of times is, simply, families.  Families in the singular sense (household groups that are related), or families plural (groups of families that have some common relationship; or groups of families with no blood relationship, like within churches). 

It seems fitting that there are few words that can precisely be substituted for family and families.  There is a reverence in referring to one's own family, and we are inclusive by using that one word.  Just that one word "family" embraces all of our immediate , primary relationships (mother, father, sister/s, brother/s), and those in our extended family (aunt/s, uncle/s, cousin/s, grandparents, and more).   Those two words have value attached, especially when we extend it to include those we consider to be our "family" but who are not necessarily blood relations. 

In writing genealogies, we must retain that essence of "value" when describing one's own family or groups of families.  Otherwise, we could easily use sentences like "This species of the Lane family rode horseback over the rolling mountains of western Maryland, arriving in southwest Pennsylvania by 1809."   No, written genealogies reflect the esteem we ascribe to the meaning of "family" and "families".   And, that is fitting, in a way that no thesaurus can offer anything that fits better.

(c) 2005 Judy Florian

Before fun & games....

     I use online games as a break in between the different projects I do.  I *feel* like I am off-schedule (again) because I've been sick (again).   I don't think I've written on this topic; excuse me if this repeats another post.

      I started having problems with 1 ear, many years ago.  A middle ear infection and sinsus infection that started say every 3 months became every 2 months... and now, I'm pretty much "sick" when not on antibiotics.   I was referred to ENT Dr.  early on, but was given an antibiotic "until you see him" because his office was always booked for 3 weeks.  So by the time I would see him, I had no symptoms.  (Duh!)  But within a few weeks after seeing him (and off antibiotics), yup, I was sick again.  I got fed up with being SICKAT HOME and getting to SEE A DOCTOR WHEN WELL!  So I switched ENTs.  They too had waits to get an appointment but they were slightly faster. 

        I had to beg them to do something (anything) though.  Finally they put a tube in (like kids get for repeated ear infections); I'm on my 2nd tube since the Dr Office pulled the 1st one out when suctioning my ear.  It has helped -- but not completely.

       I keep asking if they could culture the ear (they can't, but seems worth a try, to me).  I've tried convincing them it could be fungus/yeast instead of bacterial, but that falls on deaf ears (no pun intended).  By the time I'm treated, the real infection has become a raging bacterial infection.  (I'm told my ear canal looks like raw hamburger meat, it is so beefy red when I'm sick.) 

        So finally, my lymph nodes went crazy on that side only.  And after I was already taking antibiotics, THEN they order a CAT Scan and are surprised the CAT Scan shows no infection (Duh, it is lessened by being on antibiotics.) 

        I'm on my last 4 days of this antibiotic, and know I'll be sick (again) within 2-3 weeks, and the ENT Dr says "we don't know what more to do."   And they ask "Who else are you seeing for this problem?"  Well geez, doctor-hopping/shopping is frowned upon, but now they act as though I *should* be seeing 3 or 4 doctors!  My family doctor just tells me to see the ENT.   Sigh.  I have asked both doctors to set up an allergy appointment.... months ago..... you think they've made the referral?  No. (And an allergist wants a referral.)

       So, round & round I go.  Healthcare in my area stinks.  It shouldn't; we have 3 teaching hospitals here and one hospital is a Trauma 1 center. 

       A friend asked how my projects are coming along.  I told her I work on them everyday, except the first few days of being ill when all I do is sleep.  I can't eat on those days, and barely awaken to do anything.  But, as soon as I can stay awake again (a few days after antibiotics are started), I go right back to work.  This up & down schedule is frustrating!  I'm always making up time-lost for when I was sick.  I wonder how much more I could do if I wasn't always fighting this.

      If this was happening TO a doctor, the care I receive would be unacceptable to them.  I don't understand how doctors can let ANY condition drag out as long as this one has.  (And they know this ear trouble is on top of other medical problems I have.) 

       So this is one reason my progress on projects is slow....   I just want to get on with the stuff I'm doing.

 

Fun games & a story

http://www.grab.com/games/

Fun, challenging games.  Deceptive-- look "simple" but they aren't!

If you go visit the game main page, you will understand my story, below.

GRABBLES STORY ALERT!

 Chuzzles have an Adventure!

The Chuzzles are on a Jewel Quest!  After traveling through Mah Jong Quest, they arrived at Tower Blaster, but they all fell off the tower and landed at the front door of the Gold Miner.  The Chuzzles' "extended" family eagerly assisted the Miner until they all collapsed into an exhausted sleep.  While sleeping, the Chuzzles had a Zuma experience, and awoke on the surface again, in the middle of an Easter Eggin' contest.  Those Chuzzles managed to "chuzzle" every egg into groups of 3 or more and leave the rocks behind. But they grabbed enough money bags while there to make a visit to Vegas Blackjack.  But the poor Chuzzles couldn't count real well and they quickly lost half of their cash.  A devious plan was hatched -- no, not by Mr Bunny in Easter Eggin -- but by the Wild Wild Words clan!  Their plan was to challenge those Chuzzles to a spelling duel.  But the Bookworm bunch had other ideas and kidnapped them!  The only way Chuzzles could escape was to spell their way out!  Flip Words came to their rescue, throwing them an "b" an "a" and a "t" so they could "bat" their way out of there!  Whew!  The Chuzzles were free!  But, not for long!  The Valentiner had set up a trap for them, wanting to grab the Chuzzles' Hearts!!   This was a real Puzzle for the Chuzzles, who knew they were in trouble -- in Spades!  All the Chuzzles decided to risk their lives and the rest of their cash to spin the Roulette wheel and see if they could become Shape Shifters to get out of their peril.  Thankfully, the Tradewinds blew favorably, and the Chuzzles were relieved to -- finally -- be home once again!!  They had had quite an adventure!  -- written by Judy Florian, Copyright July 28, 2005, may be shared as long as each copy contains the author's name and Copyright notice, and as long as the story is copied completely. 

18 month old baby raped, beaten

Vindy.com 

News, National & World  Story
Published: Monday, July 25, 2005

18-month-old dies after rape, abuse

CINCINNATI (AP) — An 18-month-old girl who police say was raped and beaten by her mother's boyfriend has died.

Kaylee A. Schnurr, who had been at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center since Wednesday, died at 2:45 p.m. Saturday. She was taken to the hospital after emergency officials found her unconscious in the front room of Matthew R. Carovillano's home.

Police arrested Carovillano, 19, Friday on charges of rape, felonious assault and child endangering. He was jailed on $1.6 million bond and put on suicide watch, officials said.

Carovillano, who was found crying near the bedroom when emergency workers arrived at his house, told police the child had fallen and that he had found her unconscious.

Marigrace Schnurr, the toddler's mother, was kneeling over the child yelling, "Help my baby," when emergency workers arrived, authorities said.

Medical officials told police the child sustained serious blunt-force trauma over her entire body. Police reports said there was bruising around the child's neck and she had been raped.

Court records show the rape occurred July 13, the day Carovillano posted $5,000 bond for a theft charge.

Copyright 2005 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

                                                          **********

             Oh my God. 18 months old ! My belief is anyone who rapes babies and children should be shot. However, I've heard that baby-rapers have no safety in jail... I admit, it does appease my anger to think of the perpetrator being sodomized every day for the rest of his life. Yet, I am appalled at the thought of *anyone* being raped....yes, even this perpetrator; it seems the lesser of 2 evils to just shoot him on the spot.
          Dear Perpetrator: What did that baby do to "deserve" what you did to her? What, did she "actsexual" toddling (walking) as toddlers do in her little diaper (18 mos old, mind you!)? Did she "seduce" you? (18 months old, you pervert!). What, were you actually angry at someone (her mother?) and you "just HAD" to get your revenge (by taking it out on an 18 month old!)? What, were you too afraid to find someone your own size and weight to abuse?
            Your act had nothing to do with sex, you were enjoying the POWER, the CONTROL, the release of your ANGER (on an 18 MONTH OLD!!!).
Can you see in your mind now her face at the moment you RAPED her??? I hope her cries, her screams, and the pain of her tortured little body stays in your mind EVERY single minute until the second you die. As they say, "rot in hell" for what you did to her.
              It wasn't enough to just rape her either. You beat her. Do you know the force you used to inflict "blunt force trauma" on her little body?!! "Blunt force"-- what did you do, use your balled up fists when she screamed? Or did your blind RAGE take over?
             Sadly, I'm relieved that she died. Her poor little mind and body had endured the worst humans could inflict on her. 

Part of me is simply, speechless.... And I cry...

 

 

Family!

      Is it boring when someone describes their illnesses?  I mean, the kind of tale that starts with a general statement, then moves to details and specifics, how long, how bad, whether the temperature/fever started first or if the chills started first?  Hmmm.... Yeah I guess so.  So, let me leave it at "I got sick beginning on the weekend" and "now I feel a little better."  Nope, no details from me!  But, I did end up sleeping for 16 hours, which is at least worth mentioning, since I rarely sleep that long! 

          I had a little set-back with family in reference to this danggone genealogy book I'm doing.  Two weeks ago I asked a family member to clarify some relationships and names on the pages I was doing that day, and she unconfused me by giving corrected marriage order and such for her sister who was married 6 times.  Then, 2 nights ago she says "You can't use that!"  And also wanted me to take out her own first husband's name and just leave her current hubby.  Well I was more than miffed.  I had already indexed that section and did 50 pages beyond that!  There is no way I'm changing it now.  However, that means I will probably have a very angry cousin.  Sometimes I don't know what family expects of me!  Nor can I comply with all their "directions" and orders.

         I've got a lot to catch up on so ~~till later!

       (PS. It's finally going to be below 90 today.  But, you know that already.  LOL)

 

Progress

           We've hit the 250th page in indexing my genealogy book!  Yeah!  It's been slow, but steady progress.  I've got more names than I know what to do with in this baby.  I'm getting excited to see the total number when I'm done.  Anyone want to make guesses?  I'll let you know --- well, sometime this fall probably.

            I *still* need to do part 3 of that book.  Pout.  I put it aside last month (or has it been 2 months yet?) and haven't touched it in weeks.  I've peeked at parts of it, edited a sentence or two, then closed it back up again.  I *have* to get myself back into it!  Without that section done, everything will go on hold.  Shucks, where is my secretary??

            Got about 99 pages on the disability book.  It's coming along.  Lots of little stories that I'm trying to hook together. 

             I need to find time to enter info into another book.  My "info files" have grown & grown but I haven't stopped to compile them into the main book.  I bet I have enough files to keep me very busy for weeks.  I don't know how others do this, but my system is to add a file to the main work, then in front of the file's name I add "done_filename".  It's the only way I can keep track of what I've finished (computer files of course).  Paper files are easier.  They get a red checkmark on the paper & file folder. 

              Gratefully, today will be 10-15 degrees cooler than it has been.  So I'm hoping to tackle some of this stuff today.  But, I think I deserve a secretary--LOL.  It sure would be nice. 

 

Work Out

              These hot and humid days give eveyone a "work out" just to think, go to work, get enough sleep...and do it all again the next day!   The heavy air makes it hard to just breathe.   So "the weather" is getting used as my excuse for not posting here everyday (hey, I had been on a roll !).

              Friday morning was tedious (you could tell from my last post).  But most "housekeeping" tasks are tiresome.  Now I've got my online stuff a little more organized.  (Next is backing up files but that's gotta be left for a cooler day.)

              About the only thing I've done every day in one form or another is writing.  Most days that actually feels good.  But some of my best writing seems to just - pop out?  It kind of shocks me when it happens.   It's totally different than other kinds of writing.

            About a month ago, I had a special kind of offer to do some ghostwriting.  The proposal was basically "I could help you; You could help me."   It kinda scared me at first and I wasn't sure I could write FOR someone. (Which is stupid, since writing for publication is "for someone."  It's just the confidence level in the way.  So after being scared, then I let myself get a little excited.   I looked on the internet at similar topics; I could write equally well or better than the pieces I saw out there.  So her offer planted ideas that fed other ideas. 

           Then came the email: "I think I made a mistake," kind of email.   I was shocked.  Yet there was that little voice "see I told you it was too good to be true."  (yuck)   I couldn't answer the email.  When I finally did answer, I asked if we could at least discuss her reasons.  The next day an email came: "You're hired!" in caps.  So I took a deep breath, and decided to "wait".  (Yes that little voice can be helpful sometimes, and this time it advised, simply, "Wait."   Within a day or two came another email, building me up, complimenting my writing, but saying no, this won't work and maybe you can write for me later.

          I like this person, admire her.  But, I don't know how to handle her yes-no-yes-no communications.  Maybe I would feel differently if I had approached her (like queries to publishers), and got the dreaded "rejection letter."  But, she approached me, and I guess she hadn't thought it through.  I really think she wanted to build my confidence by making the proposal.  But, by backtracking, my shaky confidence got worse.   It kind of feels like someone who compliments your kids or something "in development," but then you catch a look of disdain on their face.  And after that, you simply nod with a smile when offered future "compliments."  You dont know which message is true from a person, and so, your gut remembers the negative one. 

              The crappy thing is, I don't think she meant to have this ripple effect.  And crappier, I don't know exactly what to say to her about this subject.   So I'm sitting on it, not sure what to do--- or what will happen next in our relationship.  I guess my fear is she might take this as an opportunity to cut & run, and only time can show me whether she's going to go.

 

Where Did that link Go?

          Unless you happen to be highly organized (unlike me) or separate your online interests by screenname (too many interests here), you might have a big mess in your favorites folder.  I just spent ALL morning cleaning up my Favorites folder!  I thought I would share tips based on how I get Favorites Links more organized.  I might need to put these in a couple posts here.

      FIRST, you need to look in your Favorites Folder and see what you got in there.   To OPEN the folder, CLICK the Red Heart on the AOL Toolbar.  Toolbar is across the top of AOL.  Got it open?  Ok, now, just look at the entries. 

          Some webpages are not named very well by their web creators, so you might have Link Titles in there like "Index" or "Library" or non-descript titles that you don't remember sticking in there.  Click on each one, one at a time, so you can see WHAT they are.  Maybe that "Index" link is for a site called "Ridiculously Funny Jokes" and you like it a lot!  So first, change the Link's title to something you will recognize, like "Ridiculously Funny Jokes."  Yes, you can change titles; it won't affect anything.   To CHANGE it, Highlight the Link in your Favs (but don't click it), and while it is highlighted, click the Square box called EDIT (bottom of Favorites' Screen).  Enter the new title on the first line (do NOT change anything in the 2nd line that has the http: www address).

         SECOND, think about categories your links fall into.  Let's say you have lots of links to NEWS, to GENEALOGY SITES, to other interests like ONLINE GAMES, FISHING, and FUN SITES.  You should try to group similar links.

          THIRD, the structure of the Favorites box is a "tree".  The main trunk of the tree is the first folder called "Favorite Places" at the top.  ALL Links you have dropped there ALL fall under the main trunk.  What we are going to do is create folders, or "branches," onto the main trunk.  So, highlight the main folder called "Favorite Places." Think about what links you use the MOST because you need to create that folder first.  Let's say NEWS is most important to you, then ONLINE GAMES, then, FUN SITES, then FISHING.  Highlight "Favorite Places" Folder, go down to the square box called NEW --- inside mark the dot (radio button) for "folder" -- you now only have one line to type on -- Enter NEWS on that line & click "OK".   You will NOT hear anything.  The folder you just created is at the BOTTOM of the list (don't worry about that now).  Go back & highlight the folder "favorite places" and make each new folder you want.  I like to make a "BLANK" folder in-between my real folders.  To create a BLANK folder, first do NEWS, then do one called BLANK, then create, ONLINE GAMES, then create BLANK 2 (you need a number to make each "blank" folder be different), then FUN SITES, then BLANK, then FISHING.  Got all those made?

          THIRD, look at your red heart links you already stuck into your Favorites.  Highlight one of the ones concerning "news" and  hold down your SHIFT KEY while you "drag" that heart-link down to your NEWS FOLDER.  Once on TOP of the News Folder, let go of the shift key to "drop" the Link into the Folder.  Go back up & repeat for ALL NEWS links.  If you mess up, just drag the wrong link out of the folder.  Repeat the process for all links & each folder.  TIP: if you want to move more than 1 link, highlight the first one, move down to the last you want to include, and hold down the LEFT MOUSE button--all links you wanted are now highlighted.  Use the shift key & scroll down while holding the key; drop those into the folder. 

         Soon, ALL your links should be in their folders.

        If you do not like the order (line up) of what folder is first, second etc., you can move them.  Highlight the first folder you want to appear and using the methods described before, drag it back UP to the MAIN My Favorites Folder.  Drop it in.  Go find the 2nd folder you want and repeat the process.... until you've done each in the order you want them to appear.  (each "drops" to bottom of the list-- when all finished though, your "first" folder should be back to the top of the list.  If you did "blank" folders in between, move a blank folder after each real folder so that everything gets back into order under the "My Favorites" main folder. 

         It's hard to describe steps like these in words, so I hope I've given the instructions clearly.  Let me know if I didn't so I can re-explain.

We Are Not Afraid

 

 

          http://www.werenotafraid.com/

                A great site seen on the news this morning.

                  Go visit -- but, have your smiles and tears ready.

 

                    And, pass the link to your friends and family.

 

                                     USA Mottos:

                                   In God We Trust

                                            and

                                 We Are NOT Afraid !

 

 

 

COULD THIS BE YOU?

          I "met" a lady through a telephone contact a couple years ago, and we keep in touch on a regular basis.  She's been pretty much bedridden for over 12 years (!).  That number of years amazes me, I must say.  And I often think of her when facing my own health struggles.  HOW has she managed life from bed?  HOW does she get through her days, day after day after day?  HOW does she deal with the isolation, the frustration, and all the emotions one faces in that situation? 

         In our last conversation, she said how much harder it has become to get out (of the house) at all, even for doctor appointments (the places where someone should get help for these sorts of medical problems that restrict one to being so "homebound").    First, it is physically hard to go out.  Getting bathed/showered, drying off, picking out clothing and dressing are already hard for her to do.  She has dystonia, a condition that literally twists and pulls parts of the body in varying directions.  Her head might pull far to one side for hours, days or months, while her upper body is pulled to her knees.  Her legs decide independent of each other whether one leg is twisted outward while the other twists inward, or whatever direction.  Lying down is this woman's only relief, but that relief is marginal.  The twisting can still pull her body around and about in bed so badly that her legs, or whole body, is thrust off the bed and onto the floor.  And from there, she has to figure out a way to pull her body back up into bed!  As you can imagine, such a condition would interfere with "everything" normal people do everyday: cooking, eating, fluid intake, bathing/showering, dressing, using the bathroom, and even sleeping! 

         While the physical aspects of moving her body from place to place is difficult when she has to leave her house, the emotional & psychological toll is quite painful too.  The fact is, society rejects persons with disabilities.  Folks don't understand or are even frightened when they see someone who is "different."  Worse, folks in the world (including doctors, nurses, & allied medical staff) can be outright rude, ignorant, demeaning, and humiliating to someone with a physical disability!  My friend confided that anymore, she'd just rather NOT even try to go out - even to go to the doctor!  (Remember?  the very place one should find understanding and help in dealing with chronic medical problems...)   But, that isn't what my friend finds, and the way she is spoken to and treated (the attitudes of many) simply makes it harder to allow herself, and her disability, to be seen by outsiders.

          I know what she means.  I know first-hand.  My level of pain when out of bed is extreme, within seconds becoming unbearable (despite the strong pain meds I'm on).  I need help getting ready to go, just like my friend.  Walker and wheelchair help me get to the door since I can't walk the full distance myself.  Then two people must help me out the door and down 4 steps to the vehicle, where I *must* lie on the back seat of the van.  It isn't a choice I made, but a requirement imposed on me by pain and medical problems.  When traveling like this every 30 or 60 days to the doctor's office, my view of the outside world consists of seeing the tops of telephone poles, sets of 2, 3, or 4 wires stretched between them, and the assorted sizes of transformers and cable television amplifiers and connector boxes attached on wires or the tops of the poles.  I've resisted counting the poles; that would be too much a self-inflicted insult, almost that I was giving in to my medical situation, and counting telephone poles the only way to use my brain. 

          I've also experienced the attitudes society shows to disabled folks.  I'm ignored.  Or talked about as though I am not there, incompetent, or unable to speak.  Indeed, *I* am there, I'm not incompetent, and can definitely speak for myself!  Yet, even medical staff convey an attitude of dismissal.  "What is she here for," staff will ask my friend, the person who's given me the ride to the doctor.  Or "We need you to sign her consent forms," said with me right there.  They don't even address me, not one "hello" or "how are you today," or "what do you need?"   No, they talk TO my friend ABOUTme, but they do NOT talk to ME!   And I have to interrupt their attention to my friend, "Excuse me, but I can do my own paperwork and I can answer your questions myself!"  There is NO excuse for this kind of thing happening, simply because one uses a walker, cane, or wheelcahair, or is in pain.  Once they permit me to lie down in the exam room, my pain drops and it's about the same as if I was at home.  You cannot imagine the humiliation and degradation I feel though after visits like these!  I want to scream: I AM HERE, RIGHT HERE!  QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I AM NOT PRESENT!  HOW DARE YOU ACT LIKE I AM NOT A FUNCTIONING ADULT!  They treat disabled persons like children who cannot commincate intelligently, and who must have (or need) a guardian!  So every time, I have to make it real clear that just because I've been ill does not mean I am invisible, incompetent, inarticulate, or require someone to think for me.  Sometimes, my message actually gets through (gratefully!), except that I find I have to repeat the same message everywhere, every time.  Dealing with the physical pain of going out, along with the way others treat me, just wears me out physically, mentally and emotionally.

          On a particularly bad day on my most recent trip to my family physician, I told my doctor "This is just getting too hard to come out to see you."  Sounds funny to say, in light of the fact I am *IN* a doctor's office (you know, where help should be found?).... but it's true.  My friend and I both end up needing almost a week to "recover" physically from just having gone to the doctor!  Muscle spasms must calm down and the additional pain caused by the trip slowly gets relieved -- back to our "normal" levels of extreme pain we have when staying home.   My back muscles must release their diseased grip, so that I can again stand straight or walk just one step by the end of 7 days of being just at *home* again.  But the humiliation that was inflicted, that takes longer to wear off, and be gone from everyday thought.  "I have no purpose, and no place out in the world anymore" my friend tells me.  Yes, that is the feeling which gets reinforced by society.  And it takes more self talk than saying "that isn't true" to get over each incident in which someone has put you down, intentionally or unintentionally.  Maybe the self-talk would be more effective if incidents did not happen every time you leave your house.  My friend and I wouldn't need to battle those negative messages at all if society was actually accepting of someone with a disability.

           I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. 

           Like my friend, I'm not looking forward to going out, even though I *crave* just seeing the sky, the sunshine, and someplace other than my home.

           I dread the pain I know I will be in from the beginning of this.... to the time I return home, and dread the hours and days that increased pain will rule everything I would normally be able to do at home. 

           I resent that I will be treated poorly as a result of other people's attitudes when they see me as being only my disability.  I hate how much those attitudes impact me and make me feel bad about myself.

           Sometimes I want to make index cards with different messages on each one, and hand them out.  The cards would say things like: 

I AM A PERSON.

I CAN HEAR WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT ME WHEN YOU TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE AS THOUGH I AM NOT HERE.

I SEE YOU. -- DO YOU SEE ME?

I AM NOT BRAIN-DEAD.

I CAN SPEAK FOR MYSELF (AND YOU SHOULDN'T ASK A PATIENT'S FRIEND QUESTIONS THAT SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO ME!)

I CAN READ - DESPITE MY DISABILITY.

I AM NOT INCOMPETENT. 

I CAN THINK FOR MYSELF - DESPITE MY DISABILITY.

MY PHYSICAL PAIN IS SOMETHING I MUST BEAR, BUT IT IS NOT A BARRIER TO YOU TALKING DIRECTLY TO ME.

AND LASTLY....

YOU ARE JUST ONE SMALL SLIP, ONE FALL, ONE ACCIDENT OR ONE BAD MEDICAL CONDITION AWAY FROM BEING IN MY SITUATION.   THINK OF HOW YOU ACT TOWARDS ME BECAUSE WHAT YOU SEE IN ME COULD AT ANY TIME DAY BE YOU.

OH, AND ONE MORE:

BE THANKFUL FOR YOUR HEALTHY LIFE.  IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY IN A SHORT SECOND.

 

Writing : "I" ?

        I have been writing 2 stories.  One is about being disabled.  The other is a fiction piece about a religious figure.  In one I used a first-person voice, in the other a third-person voice. 

        Last week, another writer said writing in first person is more powerful, and makes a reader fall into the story, so that the reader sees themselves and their own feelings.  Last night I found a website about essayists and the pros and cons of different "voices" in writing (1st, 2nd, 3rd person).  I'm thinking of changing the voice I've used in the disability story.  But I keep going back and forth on my decision.  Wouldn't repetitive "I"'s in a story annoy readers?  I-this and I-that.   It sounds too self-centered.  But, I hadn't considered the impact on a reader; I really would like a reader to be "in" the story. 

         So I copied my typed pages into a second file and started changing 3rd person words to I/my instead of first name/her/she.   I guess I'll have to read both to see how each sounds.  I "hear" my writing better when I read pieces aloud or to someone else.  I catch mistakes and rough sections when I hear it read.  But sometimes it just sounds like trash and I'm embarrassed to hear my own words. 

         I have learned that writing in pieces is okay, and not knowing when (or how) a story will end is okay too.  It feels unsteady to write without a destination, but there are benefits to the process along the way.  Terrific phrases just pop out, seemingly from no where - then I wonder "Who wrote that?!"   And other times.... I struggle for words. 

         Not knowing exactly where these 2 stories will lead me, I do get impatient.  I sometimes just want the writing to be done.  Nothing more to say on the subject.  Nothing forgotten.  That will be an interesting day, I imagine....  

        And, I cannot imagine the 10 years it took for some authors to pen their work.  Oh my God, 10 years.  I don't think I could do it ! 

       But, we'll see.  At the rate I'm writing, it might take me years to finish one story!  (Oh my, I hope not!)

      Back to writing.....