Before fun & games....

     I use online games as a break in between the different projects I do.  I *feel* like I am off-schedule (again) because I've been sick (again).   I don't think I've written on this topic; excuse me if this repeats another post.

      I started having problems with 1 ear, many years ago.  A middle ear infection and sinsus infection that started say every 3 months became every 2 months... and now, I'm pretty much "sick" when not on antibiotics.   I was referred to ENT Dr.  early on, but was given an antibiotic "until you see him" because his office was always booked for 3 weeks.  So by the time I would see him, I had no symptoms.  (Duh!)  But within a few weeks after seeing him (and off antibiotics), yup, I was sick again.  I got fed up with being SICKAT HOME and getting to SEE A DOCTOR WHEN WELL!  So I switched ENTs.  They too had waits to get an appointment but they were slightly faster. 

        I had to beg them to do something (anything) though.  Finally they put a tube in (like kids get for repeated ear infections); I'm on my 2nd tube since the Dr Office pulled the 1st one out when suctioning my ear.  It has helped -- but not completely.

       I keep asking if they could culture the ear (they can't, but seems worth a try, to me).  I've tried convincing them it could be fungus/yeast instead of bacterial, but that falls on deaf ears (no pun intended).  By the time I'm treated, the real infection has become a raging bacterial infection.  (I'm told my ear canal looks like raw hamburger meat, it is so beefy red when I'm sick.) 

        So finally, my lymph nodes went crazy on that side only.  And after I was already taking antibiotics, THEN they order a CAT Scan and are surprised the CAT Scan shows no infection (Duh, it is lessened by being on antibiotics.) 

        I'm on my last 4 days of this antibiotic, and know I'll be sick (again) within 2-3 weeks, and the ENT Dr says "we don't know what more to do."   And they ask "Who else are you seeing for this problem?"  Well geez, doctor-hopping/shopping is frowned upon, but now they act as though I *should* be seeing 3 or 4 doctors!  My family doctor just tells me to see the ENT.   Sigh.  I have asked both doctors to set up an allergy appointment.... months ago..... you think they've made the referral?  No. (And an allergist wants a referral.)

       So, round & round I go.  Healthcare in my area stinks.  It shouldn't; we have 3 teaching hospitals here and one hospital is a Trauma 1 center. 

       A friend asked how my projects are coming along.  I told her I work on them everyday, except the first few days of being ill when all I do is sleep.  I can't eat on those days, and barely awaken to do anything.  But, as soon as I can stay awake again (a few days after antibiotics are started), I go right back to work.  This up & down schedule is frustrating!  I'm always making up time-lost for when I was sick.  I wonder how much more I could do if I wasn't always fighting this.

      If this was happening TO a doctor, the care I receive would be unacceptable to them.  I don't understand how doctors can let ANY condition drag out as long as this one has.  (And they know this ear trouble is on top of other medical problems I have.) 

       So this is one reason my progress on projects is slow....   I just want to get on with the stuff I'm doing.

 

Fun games & a story

http://www.grab.com/games/

Fun, challenging games.  Deceptive-- look "simple" but they aren't!

If you go visit the game main page, you will understand my story, below.

GRABBLES STORY ALERT!

 Chuzzles have an Adventure!

The Chuzzles are on a Jewel Quest!  After traveling through Mah Jong Quest, they arrived at Tower Blaster, but they all fell off the tower and landed at the front door of the Gold Miner.  The Chuzzles' "extended" family eagerly assisted the Miner until they all collapsed into an exhausted sleep.  While sleeping, the Chuzzles had a Zuma experience, and awoke on the surface again, in the middle of an Easter Eggin' contest.  Those Chuzzles managed to "chuzzle" every egg into groups of 3 or more and leave the rocks behind. But they grabbed enough money bags while there to make a visit to Vegas Blackjack.  But the poor Chuzzles couldn't count real well and they quickly lost half of their cash.  A devious plan was hatched -- no, not by Mr Bunny in Easter Eggin -- but by the Wild Wild Words clan!  Their plan was to challenge those Chuzzles to a spelling duel.  But the Bookworm bunch had other ideas and kidnapped them!  The only way Chuzzles could escape was to spell their way out!  Flip Words came to their rescue, throwing them an "b" an "a" and a "t" so they could "bat" their way out of there!  Whew!  The Chuzzles were free!  But, not for long!  The Valentiner had set up a trap for them, wanting to grab the Chuzzles' Hearts!!   This was a real Puzzle for the Chuzzles, who knew they were in trouble -- in Spades!  All the Chuzzles decided to risk their lives and the rest of their cash to spin the Roulette wheel and see if they could become Shape Shifters to get out of their peril.  Thankfully, the Tradewinds blew favorably, and the Chuzzles were relieved to -- finally -- be home once again!!  They had had quite an adventure!  -- written by Judy Florian, Copyright July 28, 2005, may be shared as long as each copy contains the author's name and Copyright notice, and as long as the story is copied completely. 

18 month old baby raped, beaten

Vindy.com 

News, National & World  Story
Published: Monday, July 25, 2005

18-month-old dies after rape, abuse

CINCINNATI (AP) — An 18-month-old girl who police say was raped and beaten by her mother's boyfriend has died.

Kaylee A. Schnurr, who had been at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center since Wednesday, died at 2:45 p.m. Saturday. She was taken to the hospital after emergency officials found her unconscious in the front room of Matthew R. Carovillano's home.

Police arrested Carovillano, 19, Friday on charges of rape, felonious assault and child endangering. He was jailed on $1.6 million bond and put on suicide watch, officials said.

Carovillano, who was found crying near the bedroom when emergency workers arrived at his house, told police the child had fallen and that he had found her unconscious.

Marigrace Schnurr, the toddler's mother, was kneeling over the child yelling, "Help my baby," when emergency workers arrived, authorities said.

Medical officials told police the child sustained serious blunt-force trauma over her entire body. Police reports said there was bruising around the child's neck and she had been raped.

Court records show the rape occurred July 13, the day Carovillano posted $5,000 bond for a theft charge.

Copyright 2005 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

                                                          **********

             Oh my God. 18 months old ! My belief is anyone who rapes babies and children should be shot. However, I've heard that baby-rapers have no safety in jail... I admit, it does appease my anger to think of the perpetrator being sodomized every day for the rest of his life. Yet, I am appalled at the thought of *anyone* being raped....yes, even this perpetrator; it seems the lesser of 2 evils to just shoot him on the spot.
          Dear Perpetrator: What did that baby do to "deserve" what you did to her? What, did she "actsexual" toddling (walking) as toddlers do in her little diaper (18 mos old, mind you!)? Did she "seduce" you? (18 months old, you pervert!). What, were you actually angry at someone (her mother?) and you "just HAD" to get your revenge (by taking it out on an 18 month old!)? What, were you too afraid to find someone your own size and weight to abuse?
            Your act had nothing to do with sex, you were enjoying the POWER, the CONTROL, the release of your ANGER (on an 18 MONTH OLD!!!).
Can you see in your mind now her face at the moment you RAPED her??? I hope her cries, her screams, and the pain of her tortured little body stays in your mind EVERY single minute until the second you die. As they say, "rot in hell" for what you did to her.
              It wasn't enough to just rape her either. You beat her. Do you know the force you used to inflict "blunt force trauma" on her little body?!! "Blunt force"-- what did you do, use your balled up fists when she screamed? Or did your blind RAGE take over?
             Sadly, I'm relieved that she died. Her poor little mind and body had endured the worst humans could inflict on her. 

Part of me is simply, speechless.... And I cry...

 

 

Family!

      Is it boring when someone describes their illnesses?  I mean, the kind of tale that starts with a general statement, then moves to details and specifics, how long, how bad, whether the temperature/fever started first or if the chills started first?  Hmmm.... Yeah I guess so.  So, let me leave it at "I got sick beginning on the weekend" and "now I feel a little better."  Nope, no details from me!  But, I did end up sleeping for 16 hours, which is at least worth mentioning, since I rarely sleep that long! 

          I had a little set-back with family in reference to this danggone genealogy book I'm doing.  Two weeks ago I asked a family member to clarify some relationships and names on the pages I was doing that day, and she unconfused me by giving corrected marriage order and such for her sister who was married 6 times.  Then, 2 nights ago she says "You can't use that!"  And also wanted me to take out her own first husband's name and just leave her current hubby.  Well I was more than miffed.  I had already indexed that section and did 50 pages beyond that!  There is no way I'm changing it now.  However, that means I will probably have a very angry cousin.  Sometimes I don't know what family expects of me!  Nor can I comply with all their "directions" and orders.

         I've got a lot to catch up on so ~~till later!

       (PS. It's finally going to be below 90 today.  But, you know that already.  LOL)

 

Progress

           We've hit the 250th page in indexing my genealogy book!  Yeah!  It's been slow, but steady progress.  I've got more names than I know what to do with in this baby.  I'm getting excited to see the total number when I'm done.  Anyone want to make guesses?  I'll let you know --- well, sometime this fall probably.

            I *still* need to do part 3 of that book.  Pout.  I put it aside last month (or has it been 2 months yet?) and haven't touched it in weeks.  I've peeked at parts of it, edited a sentence or two, then closed it back up again.  I *have* to get myself back into it!  Without that section done, everything will go on hold.  Shucks, where is my secretary??

            Got about 99 pages on the disability book.  It's coming along.  Lots of little stories that I'm trying to hook together. 

             I need to find time to enter info into another book.  My "info files" have grown & grown but I haven't stopped to compile them into the main book.  I bet I have enough files to keep me very busy for weeks.  I don't know how others do this, but my system is to add a file to the main work, then in front of the file's name I add "done_filename".  It's the only way I can keep track of what I've finished (computer files of course).  Paper files are easier.  They get a red checkmark on the paper & file folder. 

              Gratefully, today will be 10-15 degrees cooler than it has been.  So I'm hoping to tackle some of this stuff today.  But, I think I deserve a secretary--LOL.  It sure would be nice. 

 

Work Out

              These hot and humid days give eveyone a "work out" just to think, go to work, get enough sleep...and do it all again the next day!   The heavy air makes it hard to just breathe.   So "the weather" is getting used as my excuse for not posting here everyday (hey, I had been on a roll !).

              Friday morning was tedious (you could tell from my last post).  But most "housekeeping" tasks are tiresome.  Now I've got my online stuff a little more organized.  (Next is backing up files but that's gotta be left for a cooler day.)

              About the only thing I've done every day in one form or another is writing.  Most days that actually feels good.  But some of my best writing seems to just - pop out?  It kind of shocks me when it happens.   It's totally different than other kinds of writing.

            About a month ago, I had a special kind of offer to do some ghostwriting.  The proposal was basically "I could help you; You could help me."   It kinda scared me at first and I wasn't sure I could write FOR someone. (Which is stupid, since writing for publication is "for someone."  It's just the confidence level in the way.  So after being scared, then I let myself get a little excited.   I looked on the internet at similar topics; I could write equally well or better than the pieces I saw out there.  So her offer planted ideas that fed other ideas. 

           Then came the email: "I think I made a mistake," kind of email.   I was shocked.  Yet there was that little voice "see I told you it was too good to be true."  (yuck)   I couldn't answer the email.  When I finally did answer, I asked if we could at least discuss her reasons.  The next day an email came: "You're hired!" in caps.  So I took a deep breath, and decided to "wait".  (Yes that little voice can be helpful sometimes, and this time it advised, simply, "Wait."   Within a day or two came another email, building me up, complimenting my writing, but saying no, this won't work and maybe you can write for me later.

          I like this person, admire her.  But, I don't know how to handle her yes-no-yes-no communications.  Maybe I would feel differently if I had approached her (like queries to publishers), and got the dreaded "rejection letter."  But, she approached me, and I guess she hadn't thought it through.  I really think she wanted to build my confidence by making the proposal.  But, by backtracking, my shaky confidence got worse.   It kind of feels like someone who compliments your kids or something "in development," but then you catch a look of disdain on their face.  And after that, you simply nod with a smile when offered future "compliments."  You dont know which message is true from a person, and so, your gut remembers the negative one. 

              The crappy thing is, I don't think she meant to have this ripple effect.  And crappier, I don't know exactly what to say to her about this subject.   So I'm sitting on it, not sure what to do--- or what will happen next in our relationship.  I guess my fear is she might take this as an opportunity to cut & run, and only time can show me whether she's going to go.

 

Where Did that link Go?

          Unless you happen to be highly organized (unlike me) or separate your online interests by screenname (too many interests here), you might have a big mess in your favorites folder.  I just spent ALL morning cleaning up my Favorites folder!  I thought I would share tips based on how I get Favorites Links more organized.  I might need to put these in a couple posts here.

      FIRST, you need to look in your Favorites Folder and see what you got in there.   To OPEN the folder, CLICK the Red Heart on the AOL Toolbar.  Toolbar is across the top of AOL.  Got it open?  Ok, now, just look at the entries. 

          Some webpages are not named very well by their web creators, so you might have Link Titles in there like "Index" or "Library" or non-descript titles that you don't remember sticking in there.  Click on each one, one at a time, so you can see WHAT they are.  Maybe that "Index" link is for a site called "Ridiculously Funny Jokes" and you like it a lot!  So first, change the Link's title to something you will recognize, like "Ridiculously Funny Jokes."  Yes, you can change titles; it won't affect anything.   To CHANGE it, Highlight the Link in your Favs (but don't click it), and while it is highlighted, click the Square box called EDIT (bottom of Favorites' Screen).  Enter the new title on the first line (do NOT change anything in the 2nd line that has the http: www address).

         SECOND, think about categories your links fall into.  Let's say you have lots of links to NEWS, to GENEALOGY SITES, to other interests like ONLINE GAMES, FISHING, and FUN SITES.  You should try to group similar links.

          THIRD, the structure of the Favorites box is a "tree".  The main trunk of the tree is the first folder called "Favorite Places" at the top.  ALL Links you have dropped there ALL fall under the main trunk.  What we are going to do is create folders, or "branches," onto the main trunk.  So, highlight the main folder called "Favorite Places." Think about what links you use the MOST because you need to create that folder first.  Let's say NEWS is most important to you, then ONLINE GAMES, then, FUN SITES, then FISHING.  Highlight "Favorite Places" Folder, go down to the square box called NEW --- inside mark the dot (radio button) for "folder" -- you now only have one line to type on -- Enter NEWS on that line & click "OK".   You will NOT hear anything.  The folder you just created is at the BOTTOM of the list (don't worry about that now).  Go back & highlight the folder "favorite places" and make each new folder you want.  I like to make a "BLANK" folder in-between my real folders.  To create a BLANK folder, first do NEWS, then do one called BLANK, then create, ONLINE GAMES, then create BLANK 2 (you need a number to make each "blank" folder be different), then FUN SITES, then BLANK, then FISHING.  Got all those made?

          THIRD, look at your red heart links you already stuck into your Favorites.  Highlight one of the ones concerning "news" and  hold down your SHIFT KEY while you "drag" that heart-link down to your NEWS FOLDER.  Once on TOP of the News Folder, let go of the shift key to "drop" the Link into the Folder.  Go back up & repeat for ALL NEWS links.  If you mess up, just drag the wrong link out of the folder.  Repeat the process for all links & each folder.  TIP: if you want to move more than 1 link, highlight the first one, move down to the last you want to include, and hold down the LEFT MOUSE button--all links you wanted are now highlighted.  Use the shift key & scroll down while holding the key; drop those into the folder. 

         Soon, ALL your links should be in their folders.

        If you do not like the order (line up) of what folder is first, second etc., you can move them.  Highlight the first folder you want to appear and using the methods described before, drag it back UP to the MAIN My Favorites Folder.  Drop it in.  Go find the 2nd folder you want and repeat the process.... until you've done each in the order you want them to appear.  (each "drops" to bottom of the list-- when all finished though, your "first" folder should be back to the top of the list.  If you did "blank" folders in between, move a blank folder after each real folder so that everything gets back into order under the "My Favorites" main folder. 

         It's hard to describe steps like these in words, so I hope I've given the instructions clearly.  Let me know if I didn't so I can re-explain.

We Are Not Afraid

 

 

          http://www.werenotafraid.com/

                A great site seen on the news this morning.

                  Go visit -- but, have your smiles and tears ready.

 

                    And, pass the link to your friends and family.

 

                                     USA Mottos:

                                   In God We Trust

                                            and

                                 We Are NOT Afraid !

 

 

 

COULD THIS BE YOU?

          I "met" a lady through a telephone contact a couple years ago, and we keep in touch on a regular basis.  She's been pretty much bedridden for over 12 years (!).  That number of years amazes me, I must say.  And I often think of her when facing my own health struggles.  HOW has she managed life from bed?  HOW does she get through her days, day after day after day?  HOW does she deal with the isolation, the frustration, and all the emotions one faces in that situation? 

         In our last conversation, she said how much harder it has become to get out (of the house) at all, even for doctor appointments (the places where someone should get help for these sorts of medical problems that restrict one to being so "homebound").    First, it is physically hard to go out.  Getting bathed/showered, drying off, picking out clothing and dressing are already hard for her to do.  She has dystonia, a condition that literally twists and pulls parts of the body in varying directions.  Her head might pull far to one side for hours, days or months, while her upper body is pulled to her knees.  Her legs decide independent of each other whether one leg is twisted outward while the other twists inward, or whatever direction.  Lying down is this woman's only relief, but that relief is marginal.  The twisting can still pull her body around and about in bed so badly that her legs, or whole body, is thrust off the bed and onto the floor.  And from there, she has to figure out a way to pull her body back up into bed!  As you can imagine, such a condition would interfere with "everything" normal people do everyday: cooking, eating, fluid intake, bathing/showering, dressing, using the bathroom, and even sleeping! 

         While the physical aspects of moving her body from place to place is difficult when she has to leave her house, the emotional & psychological toll is quite painful too.  The fact is, society rejects persons with disabilities.  Folks don't understand or are even frightened when they see someone who is "different."  Worse, folks in the world (including doctors, nurses, & allied medical staff) can be outright rude, ignorant, demeaning, and humiliating to someone with a physical disability!  My friend confided that anymore, she'd just rather NOT even try to go out - even to go to the doctor!  (Remember?  the very place one should find understanding and help in dealing with chronic medical problems...)   But, that isn't what my friend finds, and the way she is spoken to and treated (the attitudes of many) simply makes it harder to allow herself, and her disability, to be seen by outsiders.

          I know what she means.  I know first-hand.  My level of pain when out of bed is extreme, within seconds becoming unbearable (despite the strong pain meds I'm on).  I need help getting ready to go, just like my friend.  Walker and wheelchair help me get to the door since I can't walk the full distance myself.  Then two people must help me out the door and down 4 steps to the vehicle, where I *must* lie on the back seat of the van.  It isn't a choice I made, but a requirement imposed on me by pain and medical problems.  When traveling like this every 30 or 60 days to the doctor's office, my view of the outside world consists of seeing the tops of telephone poles, sets of 2, 3, or 4 wires stretched between them, and the assorted sizes of transformers and cable television amplifiers and connector boxes attached on wires or the tops of the poles.  I've resisted counting the poles; that would be too much a self-inflicted insult, almost that I was giving in to my medical situation, and counting telephone poles the only way to use my brain. 

          I've also experienced the attitudes society shows to disabled folks.  I'm ignored.  Or talked about as though I am not there, incompetent, or unable to speak.  Indeed, *I* am there, I'm not incompetent, and can definitely speak for myself!  Yet, even medical staff convey an attitude of dismissal.  "What is she here for," staff will ask my friend, the person who's given me the ride to the doctor.  Or "We need you to sign her consent forms," said with me right there.  They don't even address me, not one "hello" or "how are you today," or "what do you need?"   No, they talk TO my friend ABOUTme, but they do NOT talk to ME!   And I have to interrupt their attention to my friend, "Excuse me, but I can do my own paperwork and I can answer your questions myself!"  There is NO excuse for this kind of thing happening, simply because one uses a walker, cane, or wheelcahair, or is in pain.  Once they permit me to lie down in the exam room, my pain drops and it's about the same as if I was at home.  You cannot imagine the humiliation and degradation I feel though after visits like these!  I want to scream: I AM HERE, RIGHT HERE!  QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I AM NOT PRESENT!  HOW DARE YOU ACT LIKE I AM NOT A FUNCTIONING ADULT!  They treat disabled persons like children who cannot commincate intelligently, and who must have (or need) a guardian!  So every time, I have to make it real clear that just because I've been ill does not mean I am invisible, incompetent, inarticulate, or require someone to think for me.  Sometimes, my message actually gets through (gratefully!), except that I find I have to repeat the same message everywhere, every time.  Dealing with the physical pain of going out, along with the way others treat me, just wears me out physically, mentally and emotionally.

          On a particularly bad day on my most recent trip to my family physician, I told my doctor "This is just getting too hard to come out to see you."  Sounds funny to say, in light of the fact I am *IN* a doctor's office (you know, where help should be found?).... but it's true.  My friend and I both end up needing almost a week to "recover" physically from just having gone to the doctor!  Muscle spasms must calm down and the additional pain caused by the trip slowly gets relieved -- back to our "normal" levels of extreme pain we have when staying home.   My back muscles must release their diseased grip, so that I can again stand straight or walk just one step by the end of 7 days of being just at *home* again.  But the humiliation that was inflicted, that takes longer to wear off, and be gone from everyday thought.  "I have no purpose, and no place out in the world anymore" my friend tells me.  Yes, that is the feeling which gets reinforced by society.  And it takes more self talk than saying "that isn't true" to get over each incident in which someone has put you down, intentionally or unintentionally.  Maybe the self-talk would be more effective if incidents did not happen every time you leave your house.  My friend and I wouldn't need to battle those negative messages at all if society was actually accepting of someone with a disability.

           I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. 

           Like my friend, I'm not looking forward to going out, even though I *crave* just seeing the sky, the sunshine, and someplace other than my home.

           I dread the pain I know I will be in from the beginning of this.... to the time I return home, and dread the hours and days that increased pain will rule everything I would normally be able to do at home. 

           I resent that I will be treated poorly as a result of other people's attitudes when they see me as being only my disability.  I hate how much those attitudes impact me and make me feel bad about myself.

           Sometimes I want to make index cards with different messages on each one, and hand them out.  The cards would say things like: 

I AM A PERSON.

I CAN HEAR WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT ME WHEN YOU TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE AS THOUGH I AM NOT HERE.

I SEE YOU. -- DO YOU SEE ME?

I AM NOT BRAIN-DEAD.

I CAN SPEAK FOR MYSELF (AND YOU SHOULDN'T ASK A PATIENT'S FRIEND QUESTIONS THAT SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO ME!)

I CAN READ - DESPITE MY DISABILITY.

I AM NOT INCOMPETENT. 

I CAN THINK FOR MYSELF - DESPITE MY DISABILITY.

MY PHYSICAL PAIN IS SOMETHING I MUST BEAR, BUT IT IS NOT A BARRIER TO YOU TALKING DIRECTLY TO ME.

AND LASTLY....

YOU ARE JUST ONE SMALL SLIP, ONE FALL, ONE ACCIDENT OR ONE BAD MEDICAL CONDITION AWAY FROM BEING IN MY SITUATION.   THINK OF HOW YOU ACT TOWARDS ME BECAUSE WHAT YOU SEE IN ME COULD AT ANY TIME DAY BE YOU.

OH, AND ONE MORE:

BE THANKFUL FOR YOUR HEALTHY LIFE.  IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY IN A SHORT SECOND.

 

Writing : "I" ?

        I have been writing 2 stories.  One is about being disabled.  The other is a fiction piece about a religious figure.  In one I used a first-person voice, in the other a third-person voice. 

        Last week, another writer said writing in first person is more powerful, and makes a reader fall into the story, so that the reader sees themselves and their own feelings.  Last night I found a website about essayists and the pros and cons of different "voices" in writing (1st, 2nd, 3rd person).  I'm thinking of changing the voice I've used in the disability story.  But I keep going back and forth on my decision.  Wouldn't repetitive "I"'s in a story annoy readers?  I-this and I-that.   It sounds too self-centered.  But, I hadn't considered the impact on a reader; I really would like a reader to be "in" the story. 

         So I copied my typed pages into a second file and started changing 3rd person words to I/my instead of first name/her/she.   I guess I'll have to read both to see how each sounds.  I "hear" my writing better when I read pieces aloud or to someone else.  I catch mistakes and rough sections when I hear it read.  But sometimes it just sounds like trash and I'm embarrassed to hear my own words. 

         I have learned that writing in pieces is okay, and not knowing when (or how) a story will end is okay too.  It feels unsteady to write without a destination, but there are benefits to the process along the way.  Terrific phrases just pop out, seemingly from no where - then I wonder "Who wrote that?!"   And other times.... I struggle for words. 

         Not knowing exactly where these 2 stories will lead me, I do get impatient.  I sometimes just want the writing to be done.  Nothing more to say on the subject.  Nothing forgotten.  That will be an interesting day, I imagine....  

        And, I cannot imagine the 10 years it took for some authors to pen their work.  Oh my God, 10 years.  I don't think I could do it ! 

       But, we'll see.  At the rate I'm writing, it might take me years to finish one story!  (Oh my, I hope not!)

      Back to writing.....

Best Loved Days

   The dates between the 10th and the end of the month are my best-loved days, without a doubt.  Between the 10th & the last week, I feel almost carefree, and definitely relieved.  These  have to be the days I experience less stress than those first 10 days!

  There is NOTHING more stressful for me than bill-paying.  I was never terrific in math (I got good grades but Math was not my favorite subject), but I feel almost paralysed by numbers, especially ones with the (dreaded) $ sign in front of them.   Bills seem almost to be enemies: There's never enough money to go around when you're disabled, and bill-paying brings a good bit of anxiety.  But worse, I think I have gotten worse at math as I get older.  That seems backwards though!

      The majority of people probably write on average 7 checks a month for recurring monthly expenses.  (Am I off on this figure?  Has anyone done a study on the average number of bills owed?)  I base 7 on: (1) rent or home payment, (2) car payment (3) insurance (4) gas utility or other utility (5) electric or other utility (6) water/sewage and (7) cable or satellite.  Of course, people may have credit cards or other bills.  So maybe the "average" is between 7 and 12 bills a month??  So what's that, 84 to 144 instances to practice Math, right?   Over a lifetime of 70 years.... shoot, I'll need a calculator to figure out what 84 or 144 instances over 70 years would equal.... so let's forget that.  But, my point is, it seems that every year, I should get BETTER in math, not WORSE!  LOL! 

       Oh!  the distress "bill-paying day" causes!  Stomach muscles tighten, bands of varying degrees of headache comes.  I've wondered lately if I've had dyslexia all along; maybe figures don't add up right because I'm dyslexic?  I'm not dyslexic on words/letters; is there such a thing as Numbers Dyslexia??  Well, it's a theory, and at least with a theory I have a possible explanation, and a possible explanation makes me feel better.  LOL!  What other reason could there be to getting 4 different totals on 4 different calculators?  Ack!

        So from now until the end of the month I'm sane again.  (Shhhhh, that was NOT a question or open to debate!)  Now, I can concentrate again on writing & researching, and not get intimidated by dates (cos they don't have that $ in front!).   Freedom!  Well, until the next first comes.....

Stupidity

     I think the expression goes "If not for bad luck, you wouldn't have any luck."  Sometimes that describes how corporations treat customers.  Think: stuipdity.  Think: absolute stupidity. 

     There is an auction area (think big - no, not that other site, think of the biggest one) I had used.  But I had gotten pretty ill a couple months ago and when I returned I owed $6.24 for a program -- one I had not used while ill, but... I figured, just pay the 6 bucks & 24 cents.  I followed the Rep's directions and printed out a "payment coupon" to mail with my check.  I have 2 IDs there, but was on the one I had used to "sell" (the other ID was used if I bought something -- I wanted to keep them separate).   I sent the check May 29th.

      Next thing I see is they "suspended" the ID that owed the $6.24 so I contacted them, then my bank.  I find out the company indeed cashed my check on June 9th.  My bank statement wouldn't arrive for another month though.  And the company said I had to do the usual: prove payment by mailing in copies of front and back of my check.  Sigh.  Fine!  "When I get the statement, I'll do that!" 

     BUT, then I get an email sent to my "other" ID (the one I'd used to buy).  And the email says they cashed my check for $6.24 !  OK.  So now I know what happened, so I contact them.  BUT instead of clear-thinking, reasonable, intelligent responses, I am told to "prove it."  So I send them copies of their own emails.  That should do it, by showing THEM where THEY put my money.  Right?  Noooo.  Now they argue.  After arguing they did not have it, now they want me to apply for a refund and mail a NEW check!  NO, I tell them.  They simply have to credit the right ID.  Use common sense folks!  No, they apparently have no common sense!

     So we are at a stalemate.  I'm "suspended" BUT they got my money.  They threaten to send me to collections BUT they have my money, paid in full.  I dunno, but I think this company deserves the highest "stupidity award"!  I've explained until I am blue in the face.  Talking to them is like .... well, you know the trite expression I'd use. 

     Stupid, just stupid!   My rant for today.

 

           I'm wondering if I'm thinking correctly about something, or if my thinking is clouded.   I'm not new to writing, but I'm very new to actually sharing things I write - with anyone - let alone believing I could get published!   I have a theory about why my self confidence doesn't match the positive things people tell me about my writing.

            I've said I was orphaned as a pre-teen/teen.  But, things were bad long before either parent died.  When other kids were participating in after-school activities, sports, cheerleading etc., I was being a "nurse" / helper to ailing parents.  I was 7 yrs old when I was taught how to properly sterilize glass syringes and needles, then how to correctly draw up narcotic medicines my dad received under doctor's care.  I'm sure no doctor ever knew that a child was taught how to give these strong medicines.  But, that was my life.  Later, when my mom became ill, I was performing percussion (no, nothing to do with drums) to break up her lung secretions, and often watched helplessly as she fought for air.  She had never smoked but her lungs were damaged by a combination of genetic and environmental factors.   So I was a child, without much childhood.  My sisters and I went from home to school to home, never sure if one parent was already in the hospital or if an ambulance would be needed before dawn.  One sister joked (bitterly) as an adult that on all her birthdays, dad was in the hospital.  It is fact that almost every holiday he was hospitalized, so major holidays like Easter and Christmas were definitely not much fun, let alone minor holidays throughout the year.

           As a kid, confidence is built through things like sports, teamwork, doing an activity and learning from failures.  A strong dose of support from parents and adults solidifies these experiences into a feeling of self-confidence and mastery.  "Hey mom, I want to try out for cheerleading",  "....a part in the play...", "to be a member of the band..."   And moms and dads find money, make time, shuttle the kid to practice, and most of all, convey "YES! You can do this!"  That isn't just a "permission," but a confidence-builder.  Just the fact that your parent does those things boosts a kid's sense of confidence; the parent doesn't have to SAY positive things at that point, it is implied in their actions.   Then, add to their actions the verbal expressions of support, and the active "cheerleading" parents do.  "GO! GO!"  heard at ball games.  "Char-lie! Char-lie!" parents-as-fans root from the stands.  "Oh you looked (sounded) WONDERFUL," overhead after a concert/ play/ etc.  "You did your best and that's what's important," is often heard. 

           What happens if that was never part of growing up, in any circumstance?  Sure, good grades were expected (with no positive statement).   And beyond bringing home good grades, there was nothing else.  What then?  As an adult, one finds their own "positive internal voice," the one saying "yes, you can do this, just try, work hard, come on, you CAN do this."   When I decided to go to nursing school, it was that little voice I had to find, sometimes even teach it what to say, and constantly remind myself it was there.  "YES! You CAN be a nurse!  YES you CAN pass the entrance exam; just TRY, BELIEVE in yourself!  YOU DID IT!  Yes, Yes, now comes the scary part, actually going TO classes and passing them.  But you can do that!  Just put one foot in front of the other, study hard, and you WILL succeed."  Yes, all that self-talk got me through school and I did graduate.  But, those years were often filled with more anxiety and doubt than my positive self-talk could combat.

              There are things I feel I need to know, steps I need to know, to now achieve my goals.  But, I don't know the steps.  Worse, I don't know where to go to get support and learn what steps I need to know.  Unlike before, there's no structured school, no admission office to state what is required, no courses set out as expectations to graduate.  I'm on my own.  And that positive inner voice is rather weak (ok I used the word!); yes, it's weak.  I've had to be my own cheerleader so long..........  I'm not even sure I believe my own "cheerleading" anymore.  "Yes you can! Yes you can! Yes I can! Yes I.....i...........i............."  oops, where did that voice go?   Over the years, I think it got -- worn out?

               I've never had anyone who constantly reinforced me.  My theory is, when you missed out on that as a kid, it takes more -- a more constant voice, longer support than the passing compliment.  I guess this is why I believe in mentors.  I never had a mentor, but I think mentors serve to help fill "holes" created when we never learned "things" while growing up.  Someone to show the way adds to not only our knowledge, but our confidence, as we learn new things.  

                 I'm 100% sure there are others who started off just like me, in different circumstances but who each missed out on getting the support they needed.  Maybe there are different degrees of "non-support."  Are ones that got zero, reinforced by zero, the ones who ended up in prison?  Maybe. So what about the rest of us?   I am thankful I had found at least a small voice before, because who's to say I wouldn't have ended up worse off than where I am?  But, what do you do when your inner voice doesn't know what to SAY?     How did /do others find, create and nuture that cheerleading inner voice?   And..... HOW do you keep that voice with you ~forever~ once you find it?

Who has the Memories?

           Talking to an older cousin today, she said she had been thinking of my mom over the weekend, remembering her as a kid singing "It's a grand old flag..."    Memories like that intrigue me.  "How old was my mom?  Where was she when she sung it?  Tell me more," I had asked my cousin.

          Things like this may mean nothing to others, but my mom died when I was young, barely a teenager.  My dad had died before that.  Being a kid, I barely knew either of them, not like you come to "know" your parents after you've made it to young adulthood.

          I find myself wanting all the details of whatever is remembered.  Nothing is too small or insignificant.   Most of what I now know of my parents has come from others' memories of them.  I especially like to hear about them as kids and before they had kids.  Both parents were ill during my entire childhood, so hearing about them in younger times gives me a better perspective of "who" they really were, before illness, before pain, before hardships.

          Ever take a mental trip back to the street where you grew up?  Can you name the streets nearby?  What stores were in your neighborhood?  Who were your neighbors?  What were the names of your parents' friends?  All these have been difficult for me to answer, because I was too young.  I can see our street though, and the house my parents built where I grew up.

           I wish I had asked more questions of my grandmothers about their kids (my parents).   There are few people left now who had known my parents (as kids or young adults).  Most of the people I have contacted before were very gracious and answered any question I had.  There was the guy my dad worked with at the post office; Vince remembered daddy very well.  Several women answered questions about my mom from her school days.  And luckily, their employment records still existed and I got copies of those.  Every piece of information, every story, filled in gaps of what I had known about Mom & Dad. 

          Did your brother or sister pass away, leaving nieces and nephews you can help?  Were you closest to a grandparent or other relative, so that you know their lives & stories very well?  Consider writing or telling what you remember about important persons of your family.    Who do you know now who needs to hear your stories?    You'll never know how much good your stories will do, and how good it will be, for another person. 

Holidays & Illness

           Millions of Americans are affected by illness or pain, severe enough to limit their activities to a great degree. 

            Millions of Americans are alone or have limited contacts with other people.

            Holidays for many people are indeed "just like any other day," although most of these same people wish it was different.

             In families that are close -- emotionally and who live close-by -- plans revolve around aspects of the holiday.  Winter holidays center around harried females (mostly females) who've planned, cooked, and presented large meals.  Celebrations are made indoors, with families often visiting from house to house as they re-connect to loved ones, and possibly church activities.  Spring holidays might include church services also, and the celebratory meal at home.  By summer, picnics top the list as the number one family activity in observance of a holiday (and often, picnics are planned even when there is no specific holiday - LOL).  Family reunions have traditionally been a summer-to-fall event, depending on schedules and families' preferences.   Overall, there are plenty of holidays when families get together to enjoy each other's company and spend time with each other.

          Persons who are ill or have no family don't have these activities to look forward to as a marker of a holiday.   While banks and businesses are closed, and workers take long weekends for family get-togethers, a large number of Americans are, at best, observers of holiday activities rather than participants.  Often, the TV is the only companion; the errant wrong number the only contact with the outside world during a holiday.  No one comes to the door.  There is little interaction with the outside world. 

          Last night, today and tonight, fire works displays will light up skies from coast to coast, reflecting in eyes of all who are able to get outside to watch.   Those who are homebound may be able to watch through a window or maybe their porch, far distant from not only the sounds and colors but also from the interactions common within crowds on such ocassions.   However, a large majority of very ill or very alone people will only see fireworks as shown on television. 

          It's difficult to be an observer only.  An ill, elderly or person without family doesn't want to be on the fringe of activities; circumstances prevent participation, not one's heart.   One's heart wants to see, hear, comment, discuss --  participate!  

        Oh, time is filled with other things.   Some may sleep to pass the day, while others fill time with hobbies, reading, etc.  Their circumstances to a large degree controls what they are able to do, and therefore limits their "choices" of activities.  But time is passed, however the person chooses to spend that time.  Eventually, the holiday is over.  Or, is that 'thankfully over'? 

          As you celebrate today, who can you think of in your neighborhood who is alone?  Who is ill?  Who is homebound, unable to get out?  Is there a chance that you could pick up the phone and give them a call today?  Or, could you pack a picnic basket and go visit that person?  Could you take a celebration to them, so they can participate to a small, modified, degree in the larger activities of the holiday?   Maybe you could buy one of the little flags stores sell, and pick up some candles and cupcakes, and take those along on your visit for the person to enjoy.  Maybe you could go to a video store so you can watch a new movie with the person you are visiting.  Or--- maybe --- maybe you could just stop by for a leisurely chat, just keeping them company for awhile, helping them to pass the time..... but a whole lot more pleasantly than passing the time alone.

People you could visit today:

1. A veteran at home or in a veteran's hospital.

2. An elderly person.

3. A member of your extended family who has no immediatefamily.

4. Anyone ill, alone, and unable to go out.  There are plenty of personal care homes, nursing homes, hospitals and hospices where people have no visitors.

Uh...just wondering....

By the way.........

Are you one who reads every word?

Or....

Do you scan paragraphs with your eyes, to pick up the major points, then read the whole thing if something sparks your interest?

Just wondering.....