No Coincidence

     In truth, it's probably not a coincidence that I re-opened this journal now.  Early June was 2 years since my sister died, and she is one reason I started writing here.  Plus, I've recently started writing about what it was like to go through the grieving I did, especially the initial notification and those initial months.  No, I'm not writing it to re-suffer, but because it is one part of a journey I went through.  The problem is, though, writing about her death and my grief takes me back through so many hard emotions.  I could skip the entire thing in what I'm writing, but it belongs in the overall story.

     We were really close and shared a lot of experiences.  We relied on each other, even though we rarely saw each other (due to distance and finances).  But we talked many times a week and supported each other quite a lot.  I didn't (don't) feel that same connection with my other sisters. 

     When I got ill, my sister said she would take me in.  That really meant a lot, because there is no magic that is going to make me better anytime soon.  My sister recognized that and was willing to step in to help me.  But, I hadn't gotten moved before she died.  So, on top of losing her, I also felt -- abandoned?  That sounds silly coming from an adult.... unless you are in a difficult health situation.   Health problems can turn your life upside down.  And, you need family to get through it.

     I guess I should be glad I hadn't gotten moved though.  She had a husband, and after her death he handled his grief very badly; he wanted me to take my sister's place.  I knew he was just lonely and very adrift - he'd been with my sister for over 30 years; they'd met when she was a teenager and I was just a child.  But, his inappropriate suggestions and advances were awfully difficult to deal with in a loving manner.  He persisted in verbal approaches for many months, despite knowing I was ill.  I don't know how many times I told him "I will always love you because you were my sister's husband, but I don't want to sleep with you and I will never dishonor my sister that way."   But, he dealt with his grief from behind his zipper, so to speak, rather than realizing that what he really needed was simple comfort (not sexual comfort).   He *finally* got the message -- of course it helped that he'd found himself a girlfriend where those advances were much more appropriate.  But.... because of how he acted, I am glad I hadn't moved there before my sister died -- I cannot imagine how much worse it could have been from him if I'd been living there!

     And, his behavior took away the mutual support we might have been able to give to each other.  We couldn't talk about memories of her (which I needed to do) as long as he was so focused on dealing with his grief by trying to get sex.  Obviously, I have also had to distance myself from him.  So I lost more of a connection to her, because I simply could not/cannot trust him.

     I didn't realize how close I'd been to my sister until I found a picture of us as kids.  I was very little, and she had reached back to hold my hand.  Maybe I was scared - I don't remember.  The picture conveyed this feeling of protection.  How similar it felt in 2003 before her death - big sister who was going to take care of me because I was sick.  Months after she died I cried "You left me!"  And I really felt that way.  Ill, alone, and scared, unsure what the future would hold for me. 

     Going through illness without family support has been really tough.  But many other people face the same thing every day, which is why I've been trying to write my experiences; maybe it will help someone else get through their difficulties better.