Obviously, I have survived since my sister died in June 2003.   I wasn't sure some days if I would/could survive.   I had months of very tough grieving, anger, and challenging God to show me (quickly) what my next plan should be.  But, there was no major revelation coming.  In the face of "finality," all I could do was joke about God having a bad sense of humor. 

     People always say the old "When God closes a door, he opens a window."  But, with my sister gone and the plan to move in with her was eliminated, I'm still living in the same place I've been for over 10 years.  I've made many adaptations (not structural though) to my environment to make day-to-day living easier, but overall, not much is different.  Well, except me.

     After a while of being ill, I realized I had a conflict or struggle to sort through, being this: At what point does an ill, disabled person simply accept their "condition" and limitations, or how long does one continue to strive to get back to their original self?  But it isn't really that much of an "either-or."  Over time, the two begin to feel more balanced, although seemingly polar opposites.  I started to accept that I probably would never be my old, active self again, and that I had to strive for what I could make change and make better (even if those things were small).  But, I still don't fully "accept" the physical changes and challenges that have come to my life. 

     I continue think about my "options," and still think I could benefit from moving to a smaller apartment.   When you have chronic illnesses, it's often scary to continue living alone, not sure what the next day will bring.  Yet, I want to maintain my independence too!   Hopefully, I'll soon figure out where to move -- and how to accomplish a move.  Until then.... here I am.