I'm wondering if I'm thinking correctly about something, or if my thinking is clouded.   I'm not new to writing, but I'm very new to actually sharing things I write - with anyone - let alone believing I could get published!   I have a theory about why my self confidence doesn't match the positive things people tell me about my writing.

            I've said I was orphaned as a pre-teen/teen.  But, things were bad long before either parent died.  When other kids were participating in after-school activities, sports, cheerleading etc., I was being a "nurse" / helper to ailing parents.  I was 7 yrs old when I was taught how to properly sterilize glass syringes and needles, then how to correctly draw up narcotic medicines my dad received under doctor's care.  I'm sure no doctor ever knew that a child was taught how to give these strong medicines.  But, that was my life.  Later, when my mom became ill, I was performing percussion (no, nothing to do with drums) to break up her lung secretions, and often watched helplessly as she fought for air.  She had never smoked but her lungs were damaged by a combination of genetic and environmental factors.   So I was a child, without much childhood.  My sisters and I went from home to school to home, never sure if one parent was already in the hospital or if an ambulance would be needed before dawn.  One sister joked (bitterly) as an adult that on all her birthdays, dad was in the hospital.  It is fact that almost every holiday he was hospitalized, so major holidays like Easter and Christmas were definitely not much fun, let alone minor holidays throughout the year.

           As a kid, confidence is built through things like sports, teamwork, doing an activity and learning from failures.  A strong dose of support from parents and adults solidifies these experiences into a feeling of self-confidence and mastery.  "Hey mom, I want to try out for cheerleading",  "....a part in the play...", "to be a member of the band..."   And moms and dads find money, make time, shuttle the kid to practice, and most of all, convey "YES! You can do this!"  That isn't just a "permission," but a confidence-builder.  Just the fact that your parent does those things boosts a kid's sense of confidence; the parent doesn't have to SAY positive things at that point, it is implied in their actions.   Then, add to their actions the verbal expressions of support, and the active "cheerleading" parents do.  "GO! GO!"  heard at ball games.  "Char-lie! Char-lie!" parents-as-fans root from the stands.  "Oh you looked (sounded) WONDERFUL," overhead after a concert/ play/ etc.  "You did your best and that's what's important," is often heard. 

           What happens if that was never part of growing up, in any circumstance?  Sure, good grades were expected (with no positive statement).   And beyond bringing home good grades, there was nothing else.  What then?  As an adult, one finds their own "positive internal voice," the one saying "yes, you can do this, just try, work hard, come on, you CAN do this."   When I decided to go to nursing school, it was that little voice I had to find, sometimes even teach it what to say, and constantly remind myself it was there.  "YES! You CAN be a nurse!  YES you CAN pass the entrance exam; just TRY, BELIEVE in yourself!  YOU DID IT!  Yes, Yes, now comes the scary part, actually going TO classes and passing them.  But you can do that!  Just put one foot in front of the other, study hard, and you WILL succeed."  Yes, all that self-talk got me through school and I did graduate.  But, those years were often filled with more anxiety and doubt than my positive self-talk could combat.

              There are things I feel I need to know, steps I need to know, to now achieve my goals.  But, I don't know the steps.  Worse, I don't know where to go to get support and learn what steps I need to know.  Unlike before, there's no structured school, no admission office to state what is required, no courses set out as expectations to graduate.  I'm on my own.  And that positive inner voice is rather weak (ok I used the word!); yes, it's weak.  I've had to be my own cheerleader so long..........  I'm not even sure I believe my own "cheerleading" anymore.  "Yes you can! Yes you can! Yes I can! Yes I.....i...........i............."  oops, where did that voice go?   Over the years, I think it got -- worn out?

               I've never had anyone who constantly reinforced me.  My theory is, when you missed out on that as a kid, it takes more -- a more constant voice, longer support than the passing compliment.  I guess this is why I believe in mentors.  I never had a mentor, but I think mentors serve to help fill "holes" created when we never learned "things" while growing up.  Someone to show the way adds to not only our knowledge, but our confidence, as we learn new things.  

                 I'm 100% sure there are others who started off just like me, in different circumstances but who each missed out on getting the support they needed.  Maybe there are different degrees of "non-support."  Are ones that got zero, reinforced by zero, the ones who ended up in prison?  Maybe. So what about the rest of us?   I am thankful I had found at least a small voice before, because who's to say I wouldn't have ended up worse off than where I am?  But, what do you do when your inner voice doesn't know what to SAY?     How did /do others find, create and nuture that cheerleading inner voice?   And..... HOW do you keep that voice with you ~forever~ once you find it?